Hello and welcome to the second part of my month long experiment of self mutilation, where I’m finding I have to keep sharp objects even farther away from my reach. This week I’m going to look at yet another part of that wholly abysmal genre, chick flicks. Though I’m cutting myself a break, sort of, with comedies. I love comedy in all its shapes and forms, so then this shouldn’t bug me that much. Right? ... Right?
Well, for the most part, yeah, it really doesn’t. Last week when I talked about “Dear John” I had a bit of a realization why I don’t really care for mushy chick flicks. A movie that has a love story as the ONLY real drama in it is very rarely all that interesting. Most of the time I just feel they are like filmed versions of being there while some other people are being all couple-y in front you. It’s just incredibly awkward and a bit annoying. This isn’t to say love stories just suck because they are love stories, but more they really don’t seem to like to work on their own very much. This is why I have a little bit of a soft spot for Romantic Comedies or RomComs as they are sometimes known. Most of the time in these movies, the love story kind of takes a back seat to the rest of what’s going on and evolves a little more interestingly, i.e. not boring and vague. Don’t get me wrong, watch too many all at once and I become extremely cynical again, this going back to the fact that they are very formulaic like the straight up love story. But if there is ever a way to get me to watch a chick flick, throwing in jokes is a good start.
That’s not to say they can’t still be eye gouging-ly awful. Speaking of which, let’s talk about “The Ugly Truth”. This movie is just stupid. I mean, comedies don’t ALWAYS have to be clever, stupid is fine, but that means it should still be funny, at least a little. “The Ugly Truth” is about the producer of a morning news program, Katherine Heigl of “Knocked up”/”Grey’s Anatomy” fame, who is you’re typical uptight/clumsy/OCD/spinsterish female character that just can’t find the right man for some reason. Oh wait, she has a list of things she needs a man to do/have, and she refuses to be with any guy that doesn't fit this list exactly to the letter for it is perfect and infallible! (…huh?) One day, she’s told that she has to put a new guy, Gerard “that oaf from ‘Gamer’” Butler, on the show. Butler is one of the most offensively sexist guys ever and Heigl doesn’t like him. (I’m somehow not shocked.) Of course you can see where this is going, through working together the two start to fall for one another and change that locked form of life they both have and it’s all so standard.
Ok, the performances here are by far MUCH better than last week. Everyone actually doesn’t seem like a High School drama club reject here, hell, Gerard Butler is audible without screaming in this movie! Heigl more or less plays the exact same character that she played in “Knocked Up” though, while there’s nothing wrong with that, it does seem to kind of give off that one note performance thing that most actors try to avoid. Most of the supporting cast is there to move the plot along, but the actors all take the parts and run with them, and I’d like to spot light the husband and wife anchor team, they have some nice comedic chemistry, even if what was scripted for them isn't all that funny. In fact, no one really is. Why is that? The script of course!
I must say it again. This movie just isn’t funny, at all. What’s the biggest problem? Butler’s character is an asshole. Not the charming Han Solo type, I mean to say the way he acts and talks is something that would probably get his nuts chopped off by the first woman he tried to talk to. Many other reviewers have called him sexist and misogynistic, and they are right, half the time. The other half, he’s supposed to be some tender, soft kind of person that’s been fucked over in the past and is embittered by it… And that really creates a problem, if he's that much of a fucking jerk, he basically has to end up secretly fighting crime and curing cancer in his down time before I'll actually consider him as an ok guy. How does finding out women have fucked him over and that he helps his sister take care of her son allow him to get away with calling women dogs, saying they can’t get men because they’re fat, or saying the way to a man’s heart is a blow job? In my book, it doesn’t. I’m sorry but the large amount of offensive shit that comes out of this prick’s mouth is just way too much to ever be likable. What’s the odd thing about this? He’s supposed to be the one that is sympathized with. That just boggles my mind, but then again, Heigel’s character is border lined psychotic if you ask me. She does back ground checks a guy she’s going on a date with… I mean, I can understand wanting to see if a guy’s a convicted rapist or something, but don’t think telling him you did it while you're in the middle of the first date is a smart move. And really, that list for that perfect guy of her’s, it’s just one of those ridiculous things that exists to give her her single character trait. Seriously, it’s all she gets, being uptight and crazy obsessive, it’s weird.
That and the set ups are usually one of two things: Stupid, like the whole back ground check thing, and right out of the gutter, what the movie defaults too. Example: Heigl saying ‘cock’ a bunch of times simply because “men don’t own the word.”
WARNING! CONTROVERSIAL COMEDY GEEK OUT APPROACHING!
Straight up sex jokes, aren’t funny. No, they aren’t, shut up. If they have some kind of silly context that isn't just pointing and saying “boobies!” then, yes, hilarious. But these days, it’s all about having tits on screen while people are acting silly or people just fucking each other while saying silly shit. That is stupid, AKA low brow to the point that the primordial ooze wouldn’t even laugh. In fairness though, this movie does actually have an example of a GOOD set up, Heigl’s character accidentally wearing vibrating panties to a business dinner and losing the remote in the restaurant. The idea there, I admit is pretty funny to think about. The execution is kind of meh, but it’s at least one decent effort. However, what happens when it tries things like just saying dirty words, naming parts of the human body, or miming sex acts? They either fail from the get go or get really old faster than that guy from the end of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”.
All in all, I’d like to make some pun about this movie being an ugly blight on the face of humanity, buuuuuut I can’t really say that here. Don’t get me wrong, this movie is dumb, but it’s at least a decently acted kind of dumb and it has one or two slight chuckles in it. It’s still got Gerard Butler being an unlikable douche the whole fucking movie, and it’s a formulaic movie that doesn’t do anything new. It’s extremely forgettable and I don’t recommend it, there are far better RomComs out there. But I’ve certainly seen worse chick flick comedies, like “Bride Wars”.
SURPRISE! BONUS MINI-REVIEW!
I’m only going to talk briefly on this one because thinking back on this movie honestly hurts, a lot, but I figured I had justification for putting it at the end here for 2 reasons. One, it’s another comedy considered to be a chick flick and two, it’s one of the most god awful things I’ve ever sat through and I feel that time should at least amount to something. I’m just floored by this movie, I mean, who was the audience supposed to be? This little romp about two best friends that suddenly decide to hate each other’s guts because an administrative error has caused their weddings to both occur on the same day, is the most retarded movie I have ever seen. Yes, I know that term is not PC or anything but god! Nothing in this movie funny, charming, redeemable, or any other words that can normally be associated with good. It’s just two women acting like utter children and I guess we’re supposed to be thinking it’s funny, which it isn’t, at all. In fact, it really feels like this movie is down right cold hearted. The two main characters are more obsessed with the wedding on the same day thing than they are about the guys they are actually marrying, and I find that kind of counter productive. I know the common joke is that weddings are for the bride and all that, but really? You’re just going to have a total mental breakdown and make it your life’s obsession to spoil you’re BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING just because it’s on the same day as yours? What the fuck sense does that make? I’m pretty sure that would drive BOTH grooms away faster than anything. Not to mention that the movie then turns into a tattered patch work of unfunny, completely ridiculous “comedy” set pieces. Actually, at a few points there are some suggestions for compromises to make things work, but really, these two are far too childish.
Since they are really the only characters in this movie, I’m only talking about Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway… But, I don’t know what to say here. I’m shocked that two actresses that have been nominated for Oscars can give such fucking bad performances. I mean, even if you’re just yukin’ it up or doing it for a pay check you have some effort. Here, I don’t know what the fuck happened. These women are just annoying and they have no real other character traits, at least none that are actually shown. All you ever see is that they’re both selfish and at one point they were both friends. And I’m really not lying when I say that all the other characters have absolutely no baring on the plot at all and are often just dropped or are so far in the back ground they may as well not be there.
The attempts at humor here are just… No, I can’t even call them attempts. The… scenes that I guess are supposed to be funny (?) are all just dropping designer names in here and there while Hathaway and Hudson scream at each other, for about 90 minutes. That’s all there is, just the two of them trying to fuck with each other over probably the most petty, selfish thing ever. Does all this really amount to anything? No. Are there any real laughs? NO. Is there even anything that makes this movie worth watching? NO! FUCKING NO! NOTHING! It’s dumb, redundant, and I can’t believe that not even ONE of the insane number of people that it takes to make a studio film spoke up to point out how fucking stupid this whole thing was. Jesus! I’m mainly keeping this short because this was one of the worst reviewed movies of last year (and I would say it’s one of the worst of all time) so I'm not really saying anything new here. People know it's bad, but I sure as hell didn't think it could possibly be THIS bad.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Masochism Month Part 1: Dear John
You know what movies put me off the most? Chick flicks. It may not be that much of a surprise, me having testicles and all, but I really can’t stand them. They almost always have very little going for them, and they nearly always make me want to hurl. I can’t think of a single genre of movies that could possibly be worse. And that’s why, for your enjoyment my lovely fans, I’m going to completely torture myself for an entire month with one review a week going on about these terrible, terrible movies. So let’s begin with the movie that is a shining example of exactly why I consider this genre stupid and annoying, “Dear John”.
The movie is about a soldier named John, no shit, and the woman he falls in love with, named Savannah. He is deployed for a tour of service that lasts one year, and she promises to wait for him. Right at the end of his commitment however, the September 11th attack happens and John volunteers to stay longer to serve his country. But this leads to the question of if Savannah can wait that long for him to return…
First of all, the performances in this movie are pathetic, but the worst is from John, played by Channing Tatum. If you’ve ever seen the trailer for this movie, it has the scene that proves his performance is terrible, and I find that hilarious. He breaks down “crying” at the conflict of staying with Savannah or going back to the army and really, really cannot pull it off at all, and it just goes downhill from there. Savannah, Amanda Seyfried is just as bad, in fact, nearly every actor in this movie feels like they are phoning it in. It’s like no one involved in the production seriously wanted to try. The father is sedate and the supporting cast is practically non-existent. This is really sad because, Channing Tatum aside, the rest of the cast has proven before that they can in fact pull off a performance. Hell, this movie has fucking Elliot from “E.T.” in it! True, here he looks like one of those skeezy pervs you see going into strip clubs, but it’s still Henry Thomas, and he’s still a much better actor than this movie would lead you to believe.
And I think a lot of this had to come from the script. The story is an ok concept, but the execution is terrible. This is really my second biggest problem with the movie. It lacks all substance! Seriously! I have seen fucking hallmark cards that had more substance than this piece of shit! About half the movie is taken up with montages! They should have just called this “Montage: The Movie” and had that montage song from “South Park” as the only thing on the sound track. I know it may be harsh to complain about a love story having montages, because they all do, but “Dear John” abuses the fuck out of them. We have: A montage of John and Savannah going out, then an exposition scene, then more montage frolicking, another exposition scene, then a montage of John and Savannah going separate ways, then more montage of that, then 9/11 happens, more exposition, then more montage, and that’s how this movie goes on for two hours! Make a montage drinking game out of this and you’ll die of alcohol poisoning! Forgetting the fact that this makes the movie insanely fucking boring, I’m calling bullshit on the chemistry between these two because of it. All we fucking see is frolicking! We never really get a chance to see why they fall in love, other than the script saying so, and really it doesn’t seem like Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried even like each other that much. I would go so far as to say that Natalie Portman and Hayden Christianson had better chemistry in the “Star Wars” prequels, how sad is that?
Plus in the second act, Savannah dumps John with a Dear John (couldn’t resist, that joke was way too easy.) and he decides he has nothing left to live for and that he just wants to be a military man for the rest of his life. You know, because he couldn’t possibly find someone else or take care of his father or anything like that. What slays me most about this is that Savannah leaves John to marry Henry Thomas’ character, who has an autistic son, was abandoned his wife, and is dying of cancer. Why did she do it if she was so “in love” with John? Because it was the right thing to do apparently. Don't know why, but that was her reason. Doesn't stop her cock teasing John when she sees him again of course… The amount of clichés in that is so dense that I’m surprised that the universe didn’t come to an end because of it!
My biggest problem with this movie? Using 9/11 as a plot device! This is just tasteless, and I mean really tasteless. Maybe if it hadn’t been mentioned only ONCE in the whole movie, I’d be more lenient. Since it isn’t I say directly to the filmmakers this. You should be ashamed. Using national tragedies in movies is fine and good as long as you don’t belittle the severe nature of them. I hate to say this, but Michael Bay did a better job in “Pearl Harbor”. God I never thought I’d bring that movie up as good example, but it’s true. There the event is never forgotten even if the rest of the movie was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. Here, there is exactly one scene that mentions it after rather tastelessly using the footage of the towers, and then nothing. Probably because an actual story would get in the way of all the montages. I may be overly harping on this, but since it’s John’s motivation to extend his service in the army, and is supposed to be important, I feel I’m well within my rights to give the filmmakers shit about just dropping it after one scene.
I usually skip talking about the music in my reviews, mostly because I feel that as long as it isn’t annoying or out of place, it’s doing it’s job and I have nothing much to say. Here though, I’ve never heard a more annoying soundtrack in my life. It’s all acoustic guitars and bad new age music. If it actually adds anything to the movie, it’s just to make it even more drool inducingly boring.
Overall, I have nothing positive to say about this movie. Nothing at all. At least “Alice in Wonderland” had cool visuals, and “Legion” had some unintentionally funny moments in it. Here, the acting sucks, the pacing is lazy, the love story stupid, and the soundtrack annoying. I just can’t believe in how many ways this movie utterly fails. It’s as if it set out to not have any entertainment value at all. Something many other chick flicks can actually claim to have. See you next week folks!
The movie is about a soldier named John, no shit, and the woman he falls in love with, named Savannah. He is deployed for a tour of service that lasts one year, and she promises to wait for him. Right at the end of his commitment however, the September 11th attack happens and John volunteers to stay longer to serve his country. But this leads to the question of if Savannah can wait that long for him to return…
First of all, the performances in this movie are pathetic, but the worst is from John, played by Channing Tatum. If you’ve ever seen the trailer for this movie, it has the scene that proves his performance is terrible, and I find that hilarious. He breaks down “crying” at the conflict of staying with Savannah or going back to the army and really, really cannot pull it off at all, and it just goes downhill from there. Savannah, Amanda Seyfried is just as bad, in fact, nearly every actor in this movie feels like they are phoning it in. It’s like no one involved in the production seriously wanted to try. The father is sedate and the supporting cast is practically non-existent. This is really sad because, Channing Tatum aside, the rest of the cast has proven before that they can in fact pull off a performance. Hell, this movie has fucking Elliot from “E.T.” in it! True, here he looks like one of those skeezy pervs you see going into strip clubs, but it’s still Henry Thomas, and he’s still a much better actor than this movie would lead you to believe.
And I think a lot of this had to come from the script. The story is an ok concept, but the execution is terrible. This is really my second biggest problem with the movie. It lacks all substance! Seriously! I have seen fucking hallmark cards that had more substance than this piece of shit! About half the movie is taken up with montages! They should have just called this “Montage: The Movie” and had that montage song from “South Park” as the only thing on the sound track. I know it may be harsh to complain about a love story having montages, because they all do, but “Dear John” abuses the fuck out of them. We have: A montage of John and Savannah going out, then an exposition scene, then more montage frolicking, another exposition scene, then a montage of John and Savannah going separate ways, then more montage of that, then 9/11 happens, more exposition, then more montage, and that’s how this movie goes on for two hours! Make a montage drinking game out of this and you’ll die of alcohol poisoning! Forgetting the fact that this makes the movie insanely fucking boring, I’m calling bullshit on the chemistry between these two because of it. All we fucking see is frolicking! We never really get a chance to see why they fall in love, other than the script saying so, and really it doesn’t seem like Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried even like each other that much. I would go so far as to say that Natalie Portman and Hayden Christianson had better chemistry in the “Star Wars” prequels, how sad is that?
Plus in the second act, Savannah dumps John with a Dear John (couldn’t resist, that joke was way too easy.) and he decides he has nothing left to live for and that he just wants to be a military man for the rest of his life. You know, because he couldn’t possibly find someone else or take care of his father or anything like that. What slays me most about this is that Savannah leaves John to marry Henry Thomas’ character, who has an autistic son, was abandoned his wife, and is dying of cancer. Why did she do it if she was so “in love” with John? Because it was the right thing to do apparently. Don't know why, but that was her reason. Doesn't stop her cock teasing John when she sees him again of course… The amount of clichés in that is so dense that I’m surprised that the universe didn’t come to an end because of it!
My biggest problem with this movie? Using 9/11 as a plot device! This is just tasteless, and I mean really tasteless. Maybe if it hadn’t been mentioned only ONCE in the whole movie, I’d be more lenient. Since it isn’t I say directly to the filmmakers this. You should be ashamed. Using national tragedies in movies is fine and good as long as you don’t belittle the severe nature of them. I hate to say this, but Michael Bay did a better job in “Pearl Harbor”. God I never thought I’d bring that movie up as good example, but it’s true. There the event is never forgotten even if the rest of the movie was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. Here, there is exactly one scene that mentions it after rather tastelessly using the footage of the towers, and then nothing. Probably because an actual story would get in the way of all the montages. I may be overly harping on this, but since it’s John’s motivation to extend his service in the army, and is supposed to be important, I feel I’m well within my rights to give the filmmakers shit about just dropping it after one scene.
I usually skip talking about the music in my reviews, mostly because I feel that as long as it isn’t annoying or out of place, it’s doing it’s job and I have nothing much to say. Here though, I’ve never heard a more annoying soundtrack in my life. It’s all acoustic guitars and bad new age music. If it actually adds anything to the movie, it’s just to make it even more drool inducingly boring.
Overall, I have nothing positive to say about this movie. Nothing at all. At least “Alice in Wonderland” had cool visuals, and “Legion” had some unintentionally funny moments in it. Here, the acting sucks, the pacing is lazy, the love story stupid, and the soundtrack annoying. I just can’t believe in how many ways this movie utterly fails. It’s as if it set out to not have any entertainment value at all. Something many other chick flicks can actually claim to have. See you next week folks!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland
I love Tim Burton. I really do, I can’t think of a single film maker that has always made me want to watch his movies, just by name alone. They always have an interesting style and are usually pretty entertaining. Yeah, he’s had a few exceptions like the “Planet of the Apes” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” remakes, but being fair, I don’t really hate those. In fact, I can’t even say that I’ve actually hated anything that he’s ever done.
Then I watched his take on “Alice in Wonderland”. I was so psyched for this movie, I usually try to avoid that but this was a case where I couldn’t help it. This is Tim Fucking Burton! This is a guy that makes movies that are, if nothing else, nicely surreal. And this was a book that had things like giant hookah smoking caterpillar, talking animals, and things that make you grow and shrink just by eating them. If anything, this was a match made in fucking heaven! And yet, it still sucked! I can’t believe I’m saying that, but this movie sucked!
How did this happen? I mean, this makes my brain hurt trying to figure it out. Did the producers not let Burton have creative freedom? Or worse, did they just let him go nuts? I used to think that if the director has total control on production, they can always turn in something great. Now, thanks to George Lucas showing us what a moron he is, I’ve opened my mind to other options, and I sadly have to think option two was the case here. It really just seems Burton kept saying: “You know what we need here? An action scene. And here, we totally need a dragon thing voiced by Christopher Lee that only has one line.” AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM! No one at any point, pointed out if something was the most idiotic thing they’ve ever heard in their life. This movie makes less sense than the book, doesn’t really go anywhere really, and just kind of stops at the end. Ummm… the phrase “what the fuck?” comes to mind here. I’ve actually pondered this movie for a few weeks and I still can’t even pick where to start explaining the badness here, but dammit I’m going to try.
First, I’ll get the small amount of praise I have out of the way here: Visually, this movie is amazing. Wonderland is twisted and dark with Burton’s trademark style and design. The final battle at the climax looks amazing, I’d almost say it was epic even. And the character designs, with one real exception, are actually interesting and really feel like some of the creatures are coming alive right out of the book. It was nice to see, and had a small glimmer of fascination for me.
Here however, my hatred begins. This plot makes no sense. No. Don’t even start by saying “the book didn’t make sense either”, that’s a weak argument. The book was exactly what the title said it was, a girl named ALICE, travels to WONDERLAND, and has ADVENTURES, that’s it. Couple that with the fact this book has been adapted several times into other movies and your argument will get less and less valid. The plot of the book is a girl falls down a hole, wanders through a magical world with fun creatures while keeping her sanity, and goes home. Not too hard. Now, here are some questions I came up with watching the Tim Burton movie:
“Why does this movie start off like ‘Pride and Prejudice’ as written by someone that has never read the book?”
“Ummm…. Why do all the characters call this place Underland?”
“Who’s the Darth Vader rip off being played by the dad from ‘Back to the Future’?”
“What is the point of all this? I mean, how is this entertaining?”
“Why am I getting a huge ‘Star Wars’ vibe here?”
“Is this movie ever going to try?”
“Seriously, who let Tim Burton watch ‘Star Wars’ too much in pre-production?”
“Why am I still watching this?”
I’m drawing blanks on the answers. But here’s how I’ll sum up the movie’s plot: Watch the original “Star Wars” trilogy, condense the whole story into about an hour and a half, remove all the good stuff, and then try to make it seem random and disjointed. There you go. It’s actually why I got so confused watching this movie. At times, it feels like, ok so she’s going on a little quest thing now, no wait, she’s still kind of just wandering, seeing weird looking stuff. Suddenly, a plot element will show up, introduce new stuff, and now we’re on that quest again. Yeah, this was kind of what happened in the book and in other adaptations, but the difference here is that this isn’t interesting. It took a fascinating romp through another world, the only motivation really being Alice’s curiosity, and turned it into a movie about rebels trying to fight an evil ruler that has an unstoppable weapon that can only be destroyed by the main character. I’m fine with trying to give the movie a more cohesive plot, but I mean really? Are you fucking serious? It’s pretty obvious the plot you’re futilely forcing in doesn’t belong. I almost got to the point where I wanted to try and put the “Star Wars” music on, just because it was getting that ridiculous.
Added to that, it doesn’t seem like any of the characters work in this story. I don’t care how much Tim Burton says in interviews that he wanted to make his own version. I don’t care if it looks pretty. I don’t fucking care if Ann Hathaway is some weird witch/queen/I don’t know what kind of thing! This isn’t going to cut it! Maybe, MAYBE if the movie was half an hour to forty-five minutes longer, and you actually had time to, I don’t know, set up and finish story elements in less than five minutes of total run time? If this movie had just decided that it wanted to either have a story, or be totally random I honestly wouldn’t care. I’d call it a mediocre rip off that looked nice, or something weird, but maybe a little fun and be done with it. But no, it’s a disjointed mess that tries to have both no story, and too much story. This is just sad, sloppy, lazy film making.
The characters were, well… I’m not sure what to say. No one save Alice, the Hatter, the Red and White Queens, and the Cheshire Cat has any real significant screen time to do much of anything. They’re just there. They aren’t bad or anything, actually most of the performances are pretty good, but they make no real mark. The two Queens, played by Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter, are just… I hesitate to use the word strange since this is supposed to be Wonder… Sorry, UNDERland, but I’m just bewildered about these two. They don’t really seem to do anything until the end of the movie, (SPOILER ALERT) where they then proceed to do even more nothing. The Red Queen doesn’t come on screen until about half an hour in, and most of her character traits are told to us in exposition before Bonham Carter even starts gnawing on the scenery, where she just chews and chews and really that’s it. No rhyme or reason for her other than the movie needed a villain. And I still can’t find any fucking reason why Anne Hathaway’s character is in this movie! Yeah, I guess she’s the leader that will take back the throne and rule justly, but if all you’re going to do is explain who she is, and she’s going to do pretty much nothing the whole movie, why is she here?
The one that mystified me the most though, was the Hatter. I don’t have as many questions as the two queens, in fact, I think he’s the character I have the fewest gripes about, but I do have one question that has lingered in my mind:
“Why does Johnny Depp look like Ronald MacDonald in the late stages of meth addiction?”
You know that one exception to character design I mentioned? Ta da! Here it is! Granted I saw the design and knew what he looked like going in, but I figured I could get over it as the movie went on. I was wrong. I just kept sitting there, wondering how any of the other actors couldn’t keep from laughing the whole time. Maybe if it was the crazy story from the book this would work, but if you’re going to have the Hatter say things that are supposed to be serious… Yeah, that design is not working.
Basically, this movie raises too many questions in all the wrong ways. Not the least of which was, why? What was the fucking point?! Granted the visuals were cool, and the editing was smooth, but that’s it. From a purely technical stand point, this movie is really interesting. But as far as story, I go back to my initial “what the fuck?” from earlier. I’m going to just call this the Tim Burton equivalent to “The Phantom Menace”, so much anticipation, so much disappointment.
Then I watched his take on “Alice in Wonderland”. I was so psyched for this movie, I usually try to avoid that but this was a case where I couldn’t help it. This is Tim Fucking Burton! This is a guy that makes movies that are, if nothing else, nicely surreal. And this was a book that had things like giant hookah smoking caterpillar, talking animals, and things that make you grow and shrink just by eating them. If anything, this was a match made in fucking heaven! And yet, it still sucked! I can’t believe I’m saying that, but this movie sucked!
How did this happen? I mean, this makes my brain hurt trying to figure it out. Did the producers not let Burton have creative freedom? Or worse, did they just let him go nuts? I used to think that if the director has total control on production, they can always turn in something great. Now, thanks to George Lucas showing us what a moron he is, I’ve opened my mind to other options, and I sadly have to think option two was the case here. It really just seems Burton kept saying: “You know what we need here? An action scene. And here, we totally need a dragon thing voiced by Christopher Lee that only has one line.” AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM! No one at any point, pointed out if something was the most idiotic thing they’ve ever heard in their life. This movie makes less sense than the book, doesn’t really go anywhere really, and just kind of stops at the end. Ummm… the phrase “what the fuck?” comes to mind here. I’ve actually pondered this movie for a few weeks and I still can’t even pick where to start explaining the badness here, but dammit I’m going to try.
First, I’ll get the small amount of praise I have out of the way here: Visually, this movie is amazing. Wonderland is twisted and dark with Burton’s trademark style and design. The final battle at the climax looks amazing, I’d almost say it was epic even. And the character designs, with one real exception, are actually interesting and really feel like some of the creatures are coming alive right out of the book. It was nice to see, and had a small glimmer of fascination for me.
Here however, my hatred begins. This plot makes no sense. No. Don’t even start by saying “the book didn’t make sense either”, that’s a weak argument. The book was exactly what the title said it was, a girl named ALICE, travels to WONDERLAND, and has ADVENTURES, that’s it. Couple that with the fact this book has been adapted several times into other movies and your argument will get less and less valid. The plot of the book is a girl falls down a hole, wanders through a magical world with fun creatures while keeping her sanity, and goes home. Not too hard. Now, here are some questions I came up with watching the Tim Burton movie:
“Why does this movie start off like ‘Pride and Prejudice’ as written by someone that has never read the book?”
“Ummm…. Why do all the characters call this place Underland?”
“Who’s the Darth Vader rip off being played by the dad from ‘Back to the Future’?”
“What is the point of all this? I mean, how is this entertaining?”
“Why am I getting a huge ‘Star Wars’ vibe here?”
“Is this movie ever going to try?”
“Seriously, who let Tim Burton watch ‘Star Wars’ too much in pre-production?”
“Why am I still watching this?”
I’m drawing blanks on the answers. But here’s how I’ll sum up the movie’s plot: Watch the original “Star Wars” trilogy, condense the whole story into about an hour and a half, remove all the good stuff, and then try to make it seem random and disjointed. There you go. It’s actually why I got so confused watching this movie. At times, it feels like, ok so she’s going on a little quest thing now, no wait, she’s still kind of just wandering, seeing weird looking stuff. Suddenly, a plot element will show up, introduce new stuff, and now we’re on that quest again. Yeah, this was kind of what happened in the book and in other adaptations, but the difference here is that this isn’t interesting. It took a fascinating romp through another world, the only motivation really being Alice’s curiosity, and turned it into a movie about rebels trying to fight an evil ruler that has an unstoppable weapon that can only be destroyed by the main character. I’m fine with trying to give the movie a more cohesive plot, but I mean really? Are you fucking serious? It’s pretty obvious the plot you’re futilely forcing in doesn’t belong. I almost got to the point where I wanted to try and put the “Star Wars” music on, just because it was getting that ridiculous.
Added to that, it doesn’t seem like any of the characters work in this story. I don’t care how much Tim Burton says in interviews that he wanted to make his own version. I don’t care if it looks pretty. I don’t fucking care if Ann Hathaway is some weird witch/queen/I don’t know what kind of thing! This isn’t going to cut it! Maybe, MAYBE if the movie was half an hour to forty-five minutes longer, and you actually had time to, I don’t know, set up and finish story elements in less than five minutes of total run time? If this movie had just decided that it wanted to either have a story, or be totally random I honestly wouldn’t care. I’d call it a mediocre rip off that looked nice, or something weird, but maybe a little fun and be done with it. But no, it’s a disjointed mess that tries to have both no story, and too much story. This is just sad, sloppy, lazy film making.
The characters were, well… I’m not sure what to say. No one save Alice, the Hatter, the Red and White Queens, and the Cheshire Cat has any real significant screen time to do much of anything. They’re just there. They aren’t bad or anything, actually most of the performances are pretty good, but they make no real mark. The two Queens, played by Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter, are just… I hesitate to use the word strange since this is supposed to be Wonder… Sorry, UNDERland, but I’m just bewildered about these two. They don’t really seem to do anything until the end of the movie, (SPOILER ALERT) where they then proceed to do even more nothing. The Red Queen doesn’t come on screen until about half an hour in, and most of her character traits are told to us in exposition before Bonham Carter even starts gnawing on the scenery, where she just chews and chews and really that’s it. No rhyme or reason for her other than the movie needed a villain. And I still can’t find any fucking reason why Anne Hathaway’s character is in this movie! Yeah, I guess she’s the leader that will take back the throne and rule justly, but if all you’re going to do is explain who she is, and she’s going to do pretty much nothing the whole movie, why is she here?
The one that mystified me the most though, was the Hatter. I don’t have as many questions as the two queens, in fact, I think he’s the character I have the fewest gripes about, but I do have one question that has lingered in my mind:
“Why does Johnny Depp look like Ronald MacDonald in the late stages of meth addiction?”
You know that one exception to character design I mentioned? Ta da! Here it is! Granted I saw the design and knew what he looked like going in, but I figured I could get over it as the movie went on. I was wrong. I just kept sitting there, wondering how any of the other actors couldn’t keep from laughing the whole time. Maybe if it was the crazy story from the book this would work, but if you’re going to have the Hatter say things that are supposed to be serious… Yeah, that design is not working.
Basically, this movie raises too many questions in all the wrong ways. Not the least of which was, why? What was the fucking point?! Granted the visuals were cool, and the editing was smooth, but that’s it. From a purely technical stand point, this movie is really interesting. But as far as story, I go back to my initial “what the fuck?” from earlier. I’m going to just call this the Tim Burton equivalent to “The Phantom Menace”, so much anticipation, so much disappointment.
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