Ok, I have no witty hook for this review. This movie is shit! It's the lowest of the low! From now on when ever I need an example of exactly how to make a movie into a giant piece of shit, I can refer to fucking "Gamer". Seriously, as pissed as I got about things like "The Final Destination" or "Pandorum", "Gamer" completely eclipses both of them even if they were able to fuck and have a grotesquely deformed shitty movie of a child.
Where do you start with this short bus of a movie? How about the action sequences, seeing as it's supposed to be a action movie. This movie is a perfect example of the kind of the stuff that makes action movies not fun at all these days, and it comes from two things: Shaky camera, and mega choppy editing. I don't mean choppy like there's a cut every few seconds, I mean that nearly every second of footage has a cut. This combined with the shaky camera work, which I'm able to normally forgive because the frenzy of an action scene, makes these actions scenes unwatchable. Don't believe me? While watching this movie I never had any idea who was getting shot or shot at, who was dying, or why the fuck I should even care. Maybe I just don't have the massive attention span or brain power needed to understand this, but I still think if you can take something that's normally as cool as a gun battle and make it dull and uninteresting you have failed!
The special effects are just lazy and make all the bright images and race tracks from "Speed Racer" look reserved by comparison. That's all I'm going to say because trying to think back on some of these effects with the shitty editing throughout this movie, I go into an epileptic fit and pass out.
The plot is the only thing that has potential in this movie, it fucks it up of course, but all the same I have to give credit where credit is due. It's about a Dystopian future where gamers have gotten so tired of playing characters that are made of ones and zeros and want to fuck around with real people. They do so by way of nano bots being implanted into the brains of the "in game" characters and the people playing them can control them I guess through some kind of motion capture thing, it's never really that well explained. They play these people via two kinds of games, one is basically a jab at things like "Second Life" and "The Sims" called "Society" and the other is "Slayers", the "HALO" rip off. The concept of "Slayers" is that all the controllable people are death row inmates and if they live through 30 battles, they get a full pardon. Of course the developer is evil and wants to use the nano technology to rule the world and the most popular "character" of "Slayers" has dirt on him that can screw the pooch on the whole deal. and that's really where it stops being comprehend-able. The rest is about the character's wife and child and it ends up that evil guy has his daughter somehow. There are plot holes out the ass in this concept and while I won't torture you with all of them, I will point out two of the more glaring ones. First, the concept of a gladiator game using death row inmates is not really that plausible. Think about it, the death penalty is one of the biggest hot button issues out there and I doubt that even in a Dystopian future that look like it has a government very similar to present day you'll be able to get someone to sign off on basically making the prisoners dance like monkeys before they blow each other away with big guns. Second, the control the nano stuff has on people varies as the plot sees fit so when they say that the players have full control in one scene, in another they show that if the "character" wills it or is pissed enough they can fight against it. On top of that, this movie is basically saying that there are people willing to submit to mind control! It makes no sense and makes one angry.
The performances suck. They just suck. Gerard Butler is barely audible half the time and I spent so much time during the movie just trying to hear what he's say before just giving up and shouting "This. Is. SPARTA!!!!" to make myself happy again. His wife is meh, under used and poorly acted. The kid that plays his controller is as annoyingly painful as having Jigsaw tie you down and rub a cheese grater on your face and pouring rubbing alcohol on it for good measure. There are little cameos from John Leguizamo and John De Lancie, they have very little screen time and can walk away with their dignity. They also seem to be the only ones that actually try to make this seem realistic. But the biggest cock slap is this movie got Micheal C. Hall from "Dexter" to play the villain, and it turns him into a more over the top than a cartoon kind of bond villain reject type that seem to plague the action genre these days! It doesn't even seem like Hall is really trying, but I'm just going to think that it's more he just saw a good pay check and went through the motions because he's definitely a much better actor than this.
But I have to say I think the thing that pissed me off most about this movie is how utterly fucking childish it is. The final battle with the villain start with, and I'm not kidding here, the villain controlling a bunch of thugs in a rendition of some knock off of "West Side Story". I'm sorry, how is that menacing? I mean I know there there are villains that do silly things, but usually it's related to the character's personal interest and it's usually a lot more threatening! This is just stupid! However the thing that pissed me off more than anything, the ultimate statement that the directors and writers of this piece of shit have the intellect of fucking 12 year olds are the segments that show off "Society". It's, I think, supposed to be some "deep" message about how in games like "The Sims" the players are just sadistic and perverted and treat the in game avatars like shit. So in them we have moments of people being controlled to run into walls and crash skate boards. Then you have all the nudity. I'm going to say even as a heterosexual 23 year old male that enjoys the occasional shot of bare breasts in a movie, this movie had far too many tits in it. I'm serious, in the space of about a minute there are about 5 different pairs exposed on screen and it's really annoying, plus, really with the internet it's a bit of a wasted effort. It's like the movie is going "I know I suck, but the guys gotta like me because I have lots of boobs!". They can't hide behind the poor argument that it's supposed to be people going drunk with the power of controlling someone else because they always put them right in the middle of the frame! Clearly they are trying to bring attention to it!
This is without doubt one of the absolute worst fucking pieces of horse shit claiming to be a movie that I've seen in a long time. I rented this for about $2 plus tax and I feel dirty and want my money back as well as the hour and a half of my life that was wasted! It's horrible and I cannot stress enough that people should not see it.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
From Paris With Love
Is there a guy on earth that doesn't get a kick out of action movies? I mean they're fun and have lots of cool things like explosions and car chases and other manly things. However I must admit that this particular genre has fallen into the trap of, well, sucking pretty hard in the last few years with only a few gems like “Live Free or Die Hard” and some of the Marvel adaptations being reminders of why this genre is popular in the first place, especially if they are actually trying to have a coherent story. Yes, it seems that I have to put on my movie geek hat and say that more is being done in foreign venues than here in the states, but I can’t help what’s true. It’s partially why I’ve been fond of French made action films, since usually they have more interesting locations, better style, interesting action and fun characters. Though, there are exceptions to that particular idea.
And so we come to “From Paris with Love”, a buddy action film from the French film makers that gave us “Taken”, which despite a couple plot holes that were fairly glaring, I felt was fairly well crafted for a good little action/revenge flick, and though I had little knowledge of “with Love” before I saw it, I was at least hoping for something entertaining, if not entirely good. Did I get what I asked for? No.
To be fair the film has one redeeming factor to it, and that’s John Travolta playing the main bad ass of the movie Charlie Wax. He is so delightfully quirky and over the top in his part that it was the only thing that made me keep watching the rest of the flick to see what he’d do next. He was cool and methodical, but could have his berserk-er moments of flat out ass kicking and there’s even a bit of fan service in the form of a Royale with cheese he munches on at one point. Too bad all the other performances suck the big one. Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s character was very forgettable even though I have to admit he is able to get the job done by playing a good straight man type trying to cope with Travolta’s volatile nature, I still found him bland and uninteresting.
That was another thing that kind of put me off, most buddy films, especially buddy action flicks like this, rely on pretty precise chemistry between the two actors. It's a give and take thing because, when it comes down to it, there's one by the books neat and tidy type, and then there's the lose cannon with poor hygiene, they hate each other at first but something has to keep them together and then they grow to be a powerhouse team, but you have to have the reason they stay together make sense. While Travolta and Meyers play fairly well off each other, there is enough of a lack to break any connection the characters may have, and the audience is left wondering why Meyers wants to continue to put up with Travolta’s behavior much longer than the first couple of scenes, the only reason we get is that he wants to be an agent and this is the only thing he can do to achieve that... So you're telling me the NSA makes all people that want to be agents deal with a crazy bald guy that's trying to kick some serious terrorist ass, while basically putting your life in danger because he needs a guy to basically be used as bait? Seems like it's be easier to just keep being the nerdy ambassador's aide!
I haven’t even started on the stupidly vague and changing plot. At first it’s mentioned that Travolta, an NSA agent, is there to bring down a huge drug cartel. Ok, this is good action movie fodder, many others have had a lot of success with this concept. Then out of nowhere he tells Meyers that it was never about the drugs, despite the fact he is very adamant that it’s drugs for about 10 minutes of the movie, and it’s suddenly all about stopping a terrorist attack. This is still a good action plot, but it’s undermined by the fact that they already had another cliché that was being set up already and then threw it out with a vague line to relate them in that the terrorists are being funded by the drugs... It still hurts my brain to try and figure out a better way to say that.
I digress, when it comes to an action movie, it’s all about the action sequences, are they good, or bad? Here, the answer is bad. There’s way too much shaky camera work, the editing is choppy and they use slow motion shots to cover up the fact that Travolta can’t really do hardcore fight choreography anymore, which was upsetting because I felt his fight with Christian Slater in “Broken Arrow” was one of the best of the ‘90s and seeing him turned into someone that needs slow motion to beat people up, it was depressing to say the least. The only good sequence is in the end of the film where there is a pretty well done car chase, but it’s most definitely too little too late. I was just so unenthusiastic with these sequences that I found myself looking at my watch to see how much longer I had to sit through this monotonous pile of shit.
Overall, this is an action film that really just tries way, way too hard to be a drama. Something like that can work in a film like “Taken”, where the motivation is more personal. Here, they try and put in a very bad twist to make it more dramatic, but overall, the action is dull, the characters don’t really work together, the plot does more 180’s than I think is appropriate and it all boils down to a fairly mediocre experience that I wouldn’t even recommend as a rental.
And so we come to “From Paris with Love”, a buddy action film from the French film makers that gave us “Taken”, which despite a couple plot holes that were fairly glaring, I felt was fairly well crafted for a good little action/revenge flick, and though I had little knowledge of “with Love” before I saw it, I was at least hoping for something entertaining, if not entirely good. Did I get what I asked for? No.
To be fair the film has one redeeming factor to it, and that’s John Travolta playing the main bad ass of the movie Charlie Wax. He is so delightfully quirky and over the top in his part that it was the only thing that made me keep watching the rest of the flick to see what he’d do next. He was cool and methodical, but could have his berserk-er moments of flat out ass kicking and there’s even a bit of fan service in the form of a Royale with cheese he munches on at one point. Too bad all the other performances suck the big one. Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s character was very forgettable even though I have to admit he is able to get the job done by playing a good straight man type trying to cope with Travolta’s volatile nature, I still found him bland and uninteresting.
That was another thing that kind of put me off, most buddy films, especially buddy action flicks like this, rely on pretty precise chemistry between the two actors. It's a give and take thing because, when it comes down to it, there's one by the books neat and tidy type, and then there's the lose cannon with poor hygiene, they hate each other at first but something has to keep them together and then they grow to be a powerhouse team, but you have to have the reason they stay together make sense. While Travolta and Meyers play fairly well off each other, there is enough of a lack to break any connection the characters may have, and the audience is left wondering why Meyers wants to continue to put up with Travolta’s behavior much longer than the first couple of scenes, the only reason we get is that he wants to be an agent and this is the only thing he can do to achieve that... So you're telling me the NSA makes all people that want to be agents deal with a crazy bald guy that's trying to kick some serious terrorist ass, while basically putting your life in danger because he needs a guy to basically be used as bait? Seems like it's be easier to just keep being the nerdy ambassador's aide!
I haven’t even started on the stupidly vague and changing plot. At first it’s mentioned that Travolta, an NSA agent, is there to bring down a huge drug cartel. Ok, this is good action movie fodder, many others have had a lot of success with this concept. Then out of nowhere he tells Meyers that it was never about the drugs, despite the fact he is very adamant that it’s drugs for about 10 minutes of the movie, and it’s suddenly all about stopping a terrorist attack. This is still a good action plot, but it’s undermined by the fact that they already had another cliché that was being set up already and then threw it out with a vague line to relate them in that the terrorists are being funded by the drugs... It still hurts my brain to try and figure out a better way to say that.
I digress, when it comes to an action movie, it’s all about the action sequences, are they good, or bad? Here, the answer is bad. There’s way too much shaky camera work, the editing is choppy and they use slow motion shots to cover up the fact that Travolta can’t really do hardcore fight choreography anymore, which was upsetting because I felt his fight with Christian Slater in “Broken Arrow” was one of the best of the ‘90s and seeing him turned into someone that needs slow motion to beat people up, it was depressing to say the least. The only good sequence is in the end of the film where there is a pretty well done car chase, but it’s most definitely too little too late. I was just so unenthusiastic with these sequences that I found myself looking at my watch to see how much longer I had to sit through this monotonous pile of shit.
Overall, this is an action film that really just tries way, way too hard to be a drama. Something like that can work in a film like “Taken”, where the motivation is more personal. Here, they try and put in a very bad twist to make it more dramatic, but overall, the action is dull, the characters don’t really work together, the plot does more 180’s than I think is appropriate and it all boils down to a fairly mediocre experience that I wouldn’t even recommend as a rental.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Zombieland
If there was one movie I regret not going to in 2009, it was fucking “Zombieland”! Come on, a zombie fan like me missing a movie called “Zombieland”? it’s a sin I tell ya!
Well, have no fear, I have done my time. And here’s a real non shocker: “ZOMBIELAND” IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!
I really can’t find another way to describe it. It’s a movie with guns, humor, zombies, good acting, and it opens with one of the best opening credit sequences ever! You really can’t top a slow motion credits sequence of people being chased by zombies with Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” in the background. It really puts you in the right mood for the rest of the film and you know you’re in for something epic.
What I have always said makes a really good zombie movie is good characters. “Shaun Of the Dead” was the perfect example of this and it could make the funny scenes funnier and the horror scenes that much more horrifying because you’ve gotten to like the characters. “Zombieland” is another perfect example of this. It’s got an ensemble cast that has some of the best onscreen chemistry. The performances from Woody Harrelson and company are just spot on with just the right amount of those fun little quirks that make you like them.
Not to mention the writing is top notch. I mean I thought this movie was going to be really silly, yet fun, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that this movie actually has a lot of love and effort behind it. The jokes and just general sense of humor are all surprisingly well thought out and not just low brow.
And as if this movie really gets something just right in spades, it's action and horror elements are just so well done, the action is actually exciting and the horror elements are actually pretty suspenseful. It may seem weird to think that is a big deal for an action horror comedy, but it really is when you look at some of the movies that are coming out and it's nice to see one that actually is exciting, funny and nail biting all at the same time.
It’s hard to find something that I don’t like about this movie. It’s just one of those perfect fun little movies. I highly recommend it to anyone that wants to have a good time watching a movie. Not just a highly recommended rental, but a highly recommended purchase.
Well, have no fear, I have done my time. And here’s a real non shocker: “ZOMBIELAND” IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!
I really can’t find another way to describe it. It’s a movie with guns, humor, zombies, good acting, and it opens with one of the best opening credit sequences ever! You really can’t top a slow motion credits sequence of people being chased by zombies with Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” in the background. It really puts you in the right mood for the rest of the film and you know you’re in for something epic.
What I have always said makes a really good zombie movie is good characters. “Shaun Of the Dead” was the perfect example of this and it could make the funny scenes funnier and the horror scenes that much more horrifying because you’ve gotten to like the characters. “Zombieland” is another perfect example of this. It’s got an ensemble cast that has some of the best onscreen chemistry. The performances from Woody Harrelson and company are just spot on with just the right amount of those fun little quirks that make you like them.
Not to mention the writing is top notch. I mean I thought this movie was going to be really silly, yet fun, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that this movie actually has a lot of love and effort behind it. The jokes and just general sense of humor are all surprisingly well thought out and not just low brow.
And as if this movie really gets something just right in spades, it's action and horror elements are just so well done, the action is actually exciting and the horror elements are actually pretty suspenseful. It may seem weird to think that is a big deal for an action horror comedy, but it really is when you look at some of the movies that are coming out and it's nice to see one that actually is exciting, funny and nail biting all at the same time.
It’s hard to find something that I don’t like about this movie. It’s just one of those perfect fun little movies. I highly recommend it to anyone that wants to have a good time watching a movie. Not just a highly recommended rental, but a highly recommended purchase.
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