Clash of the Titans

Ok, this was inevitable; I have to make a comment on the remake plague going through the cinema. I’ve tried to avoid this because really, every single critic out there has commented and most have said that it is just freaking stupid to do nothing but constantly remake things. It’s just a sure fire way to piss off movie buffs, damage the name of a classic, and make studios lots of money. Yes, the reason these remakes are constantly being made, is they make money. And that means that I can finally say this. God it’s nice to finally have my chance to say this. Ok, here we go:


FUCK YOU ALL!!!

Yes! I blame you! I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people complain that these remakes always suck but they still fucking go! Stop it! If you stop going, they’ll stop getting made! And while I’m at it, fuck you Michael Bay! I love all those old horror movies and you just keep raping them! Stop it you talentless hack! Phew… ok, I feel better now.
So yeah, “Clash of the Titans”… Or as I like to call it, proof nothing is sacred in Hollywood. Those who don’t know, “Clash of the Titans” was a movie made in the early 80’s that featured some very amazing stop motion effects by Ray Harryhausen. It was cheesy at times, but a lot of fun to watch. So I must confess, that of all the remakes recently, this was one that I actually wasn’t dreading from the get go. It’s an effects movie, all you had to do was something really similar with updated effects and you’d be fine. Did they do that? Not really. In fact, the movie isn't really terrible, it's just so terribly written that anything that happens just seems like ok, that's cool I guess.
The basic plot is the same, it has to do with the Krakken about to destroy the city unless the princess Andromeda is sacrificed, they need the head of Medusa to stop it and save the princess, and the only person able to do it is the demigod Perseus. The problem really was, on re-watching the original, I liked all the people in the movie and really had an interest in seeing what would happen. This movie, well, I’ll just call it “Clash of the Titans” for dummies. Characters are dropped and those that remain are really uninteresting, the plot is overly simplified, and really it hurts the movie immensely, mostly because in the original Andromeda was Perseus's bride so there was more a sense of urgency to keep her from being fed to the Krakken, not the case here. Sad because for what they have as "characters", the actors are all pretty good, no one feels like they are over doing it or being silly, although Liam Neeson seems to be phoning it in at times. To be honest though, Liam Neeson is so good that even when he’s phoning it in it’s pretty damn cool. Still they don't do much, they just say stuff that sounds like it was meant for a trailer or i guess was supposed to be epic sounding, but it's just silly.
The biggest character problem? Perseus, or if you've ever played any of the "God of War" games, the clearly watered down Kratos clone. It's quite shameless actually. He wants to prove to the gods that men can stand up to them and fight them. They give him gifts that he keeps turning down, but ultimately uses, He whines about how Hades killed his family and how he disowns his father Zeus and blah blah blah. Really in looking back at the plot of this movie if you changed the Hades to Aries, this is would almost be a really bad "God of War" movie and it's all due to how they portray Perseus.
However, The effects are spectacular. I’m not kidding they are really really good. My favorite effect though was Carion, the ferry man because of one thing: he’s the only creature that is actually on set. Yes, a giant CGI extravaganza has a puppet in it! And damn it’s a cool puppet! The Krakken is well rendered and looks pretty damn cool. Same with the giant scorpions that you see in all of the previews. But really that’s another of the problems. This movie is only about an hour and forty minutes (10 minutes of which I’m sure are padded by the credits) and the previews show all the stuff that would make this movie cool. That is probably one of, if not the dumbest thing that you can do in a movie preview. You’re supposed to interest us in wanting to see more, if you just show us everything then what’s the fucking point of going to the movie?
Really the thing that killed the movie was the characters and the writing. The pace was far far too rushed, this whole movie is building up epic stuff that is over far too soon, from the fight with Medusa, to the end battle with the Krakken and Hades. This whole movie just seems bored with itself and just wants to end. Plus the characters are just nonexistent. I don’t think any of them stood out other than Perseus, Hades, Zeus, Io and that guy that was the bad guy in “Casino Royale” (I can't even remember that character's name). But really saying they even stood out is being pretty nice. This movie was about the effects and that’s it. I’m hip to that if there’s actually something cool to look at but there is nothing new or interesting here. Thus far this is biggest disappointment of the year, it was a movie that didn’t need a compelling story or anything. It just needed to be exciting and fun, and it wasn’t. It was just bland and mediocre at best and I highly recommend either skipping it all together or waiting for DVD. I mean, they had the fucking nads to throw in the Bubo prop from the first movie, and then not actually use Bubo! Come on! The mechanical owl was so awesome and funny in the first movie and that’s what was needed here! At least I would have cared if the owl version of R2D2 got crushed by the Krakken!