Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

You may have noticed if you read my blog with any regularity that I have a big thing for bashing on Michael Bay. The main reason is that I really don’t like his movies (save for “The Rock” which I’ve already gone over) or directing style all that much. It just seems like the exact combination of elements to really put me off, plus the whole Platinum Dunes remaking every good horror movie thing earns him no points in my book. But the big reason that I can’t stand this director is because he has made two movies that I cannot stand, at all, even if you paid me millions of dollars I would not say that these movies were even remotely good. One was “Pearl Harbor”, a movie that was incredibly boring, not to mention kind of insulting if you ask me since it was supposed to be this big tribute to the men lost in tragic event of the title, but was actually a really badly written love story that went exactly nowhere. The other was “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”. Now, I didn’t grow up with the transformers, they were around and I have fond memories of that one animated movie with kick ass music, but I was never hardcore into them. I just want people to know that I’m not some whiny fan boy or something like that, especially since I thought the first live action movie was a perfectly average summer blockbuster, meaning that it’s not actually that great a movie but I at least thought it was somewhat entertaining. However, when the sequel came out, I left the theater and the first thing that came out of my mouth was “That was the worst theater going experience of my life.” I HATED that movie so much. It was a stupid, low brow intelligence insulting piece of shit that ran waaaaaay to long and had nothing redeeming about it. The fact that I had to add giant robot testicles and the bare ass of a middle aged man to a list of things that shouldn’t be in a Transformers movie should explain why I really really disliked that movie.
So in a way, this third and dear god please let it be the last installment of the franchise gets to be a great catharsis for me because I can vent all my frustrations on the second movie and bash it’s sequel at the same time, oh SPOILER ALERT! “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” sucks! In fact, the nicest thing I can say about this movie is that yes, it IS better than “Revenge of the Fallen”, but since that puts the bar so low that it’s actually gone through the core of the Earth that really isn’t saying much, especially since it still has most of the same problems. For one, over two thirds of the movie is Shia LeBouf complaining that life isn’t fair… When’s he’s had a free ride to an Ivy League school, dated two super models, has a car that turns into a robot AND got a freaking medal from the president (which he will not let you forget. EVER!) Dude, shut up! If you’re life sucks than mine is completely a waste of existence by comparison. Also, I’m really starting to notice that outside the fact that Mr. LeBeouf is pretty much the textbook definition one note, Sam Whitwicky is actually a HUGE asshole. He insults the Autobots all the time, is so freaking self entitled that even Al Bundy would tell him to let it go, and to top it off SERIOUS anger problems. He flies into pointless blinding rages so often in this movie, and HE’S the one the audience is supposed to indentify with?
Then there are the numerous amounts of comic relief characters that serve exactly nothing for the plot, John Malkovich is kind of funny but totally pointless. Ken Juong is only there to give off a plot device and give us a really bad stereotype with some really bad homophobic humor before giving us the most satisfying death of the movie. John Turturo is back and as “zany” as ever, the list still goes on and on. Why? Why so many human characters in a movie ABOUT GIANT ROBOTS?! While we’re on it, the Megan Fox-bot version 2.0 (real name Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) is just as wooden as, and only slightly more visually attractive than the last model, not to mention it’s pretty clear that they just went into Microsoft Word and did a find/replace on the names. Plus the exploitation of her is offensive and horribly so. Yes Michael Bay, I think she’s cute too, but I don’t need an almost full minute shot of her ass, thank you.
That’s always been the overall problem with these movies. It’s supposed to be about the robots, they’re in the title, the posters feature them prominently, all the previews show the footage that has them, you get my point. So someone tell me, please explain to me in detail. WHY ARE THE ROBOTS THE B-STORY IN THEIR OWN GODDAMN MOVIE?! NO! I am NOT more interested in the stupid conspiracy sub plot! NO! I am NOT interested Shia LaBeouf being jealous of his girl friend’s boss! NO! I do not give a damn about what has happened with the guys from N.E.S.T.! For the love of God, it’s so simple, you call the movie Transformers. That to me means they must spend just as much time, if not MORE than the human characters in this movie. Adding even more insult to that, most of the action is actually the army doing stuff with most of the robot action being done off screen or only done in the last minute or so of a fight. To the people that say they want to see this movie for “robots fighting”, you will leave very disappointed. Bay has described this movie as “Black Hawk Down”, only with a homeland bend… and giant robots. Ok, ignoring that Michael Bay will NEVER make a movie as good as “Black Hawk Down” and while we’re at it, will NEVER have the kind of clout Ridley Scott has, how is this a good idea? Not to spoil but, the plot of “Black Hawk Down” was that everything went tits up and it was all about fixing the upwardly inclined mammories, in the process showing the soldier’s drive and determination to get out alive. This is not a bad plot, but it doesn’t really give much room to let the whole giant robots thing happen.
And on top of all this, Bay screws with his stupid pitch even more by not letting it have a coherent tone. One scene will be dark, and those with kids planning on seeing this, charred human remains and people being vaporized here. Then, we’ll turn around and have some horribly crowbarred slap stick or bawdy jokes, you know things that four years olds wouldn’t even find funny. For a frame of reference, before sitting down to write this I re-watched about 20 minutes of the animated Transformers movie. In that 20 minutes, yes a lot of the robots were killed, but they were major characters, giving their deaths weight, not to mention you could tell which robots were which a whole hell of a lot better, something the new movies can’t claim. Plus even the dark opening of one giant robot destroying an entire planet worked because it established a major threat that started the plot going. This 20 minutes was by far better thought out than this 200 million dollar, 155 minute live action movie!
Folks, I seriously could go on and on complaining about this movie. I have merely scratched the surface here and as I write this review, the movie has already made more than 162 million dollars in the states… A fact that just makes me feel so depressed. Yes, it’s just a movie, but for someone that loves movies as much as I do, knowing that one of the highest grossing movies of the years is going to be a bloated two and half hour mess of a movie, who’s only positive is that it’s slightly less painful in some regards to the last movie makes me just feel so… Defeated, I’m just done with this. Don’t go to this movie, at all! Oh, and Happy Fourth Everybody!

0 out of 5

And to show you that I don’t just have contempt for movies that you can just turn your brain off for, here’s a list of movies that fit that description and are by far more entertaining than all three of the Transformers movies, combined.

- Godzilla: Final Wars (the only way I will sit through another Transformers movie is if Ryuhei Kitamura is announced as the director)
- Broken Arrow
- Commmando
- The Punisher: War Zone
- Lethal Weapon 1,2,3 & 4
- Die Hard 1, 2, 3 & 4
- The Rock (Yes, there is an entertaining Michael Bay movie, fair is fair.)
- Robocop 1 & 2
- True Lies
- Hard Boiled (You can watch it dubbed if you don’t like subtitles.)
- Top Gun
- Man On Fire
- ANY of the James Bond movies.
- El Mariachi
- Desperado
- From Dusk Till Dawn 1, 2 & 3
- Once Upon a Time In Mexico
- Sin City
- Planet Terror
- Machete
- RED
- The Fifth Element
- The A-Team
- Predator
- Predators
- Blade 1 & 2
- Hellboy 1 & 2
- Supercop 1 & 2
- City Hunter
- Police Story
- Rumble In The Bronx
- G.I. Joe: Rise Of Cobra (Yes, there IS a movie based on toys that I give a recommendation to!)
- Air Force One
- Heat
- Ronin
- Collateral
- Drunken Master 1 & 2
- Under Siege (Yes, I would much rather watch Seagal than this!)
- Hot Fuzz
- Evil Dead 2
- Army Of Darkness
- Assault on Precinct 13 (Either one, though I prefer Carpenter’s original a lot more.)
- Escape From New York
- Escape From L. A.
- John Carpenter’s Vampires
- Enter The Dragon
- Fists Of Fury
- The Chinese Connection
- Return of the Dragon (Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris, enough said.)
- Shoot ‘em Up
- Crank 1 & 2
- Speed Racer
- Kung Fu Hustle
- Kill Bill
- The Wild Bunch
- Conan The Barbarian
- Total Recall
- The Professional
- L. A. Confidential
- Domino