Well, once again Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Wither you see it as a hypocritical holiday that tries to force romance on the public and cause single people to drink heavily, or if you genuinely feel that it is a wonderful day where couples can have some quality time together using the given holiday as an excuse for a special occasion, it’s hard to deny that this particular time of the year has to do with romance and well, that big “L” word Love. And you probably think that I’m going to do the typical thing and use today to reference those movies that have the best love stories ever or something like that. But honestly, after all the horrible, HORRIBLE chick flicks I watched for that little two week event last summer as well as subjecting myself to the bafflingly popular “Twilight Saga”, I kind of hate romance films right now. You can call me an a-hole or a dorky loveless cynic or whatever you want, but today, I’m going to talk about something far more interesting and worth while than making a list that will just end with the top two spots going to “Casablanca” and “Gone With The Wind” like everyone knows will be the case anyway. I’m going to talk about movies that I love. No, this isn’t my favorite movies list or anything. Far from it, this is rather the movies that I love to watch, but I honestly shouldn’t, I actually feel wrong for doing so in some cases. Be it because they are poorly shot, terribly written or horribly acted. This is my top 10 movies I shouldn’t like but do, or my Guiltiest Guilty pleasures for short.
10. Roger Corman Movies.
I’m kind of cheating with this one. Anyone that is a big enough movie fan or just a big fan of cheesy B movies, has at least heard of Roger Corman. Corman is a director and producer that is famous for two big things: 1. Without him, people like Martin Scorsese, Joe Dante, and James Cameron would probably not have jobs right now, and 2. Being notoriously cheap and producing as many movies as he can, sometimes within a single production. Corman has famously done things like shoot 3 or 4 movies on a single set at the same time, re-cycle props and costumes, and even shoot ENTIRE MOVIES IN A DAY! (allegedly) And the results, well, they can be down right idiotic or oddly good. But they are always, ALWAYS entertaining. Hell, one of his most famous movies, “The Little Shop Of Horrors” has been turned into a Broadway Musical and then THAT was adapted into a movie Musical starring Steve Martin and Rick Moranis! I can’t really pin point one movie that he’s specifically directed or produced that I feel could just represent the whole spectrum of his work, so I’m lumping them all together and will just list off some that I feel are especially memorable.
- Humanoids From The Deep
- The Edgar Allen Poe Adaptations starring Vincent Price.
- A Bucket of Blood
- Piranha (1979)
And
- It Conquered The World
Check these flicks out and enjoy!
9. Commando
Ok, this one probably isn’t much of a surprise seeing as how I have an already confessed fondness for the occasional big dumb action movie, it’s why I had “Machete” on my list of the five most enjoyable movies of 2010. But if I had to pick a favorite, it’d have to be “Commando”. Why isn’t this higher on the list then? It’s pretty much everyone’s favorite big dumb action movie. Schwarzeneggar has never had much in the way of acting chops, but that’s part of his charm if you ask me. No one delivers one liners better than Ah-nuld and in certain roles like the Terminator movies, his stilted delivery actually works really well for the character. But anyway “Commando”, if you have to ask me why I like the movie, you clearly haven’t seen it. The action is absolutely silly and over the top, the premise is paper thin and un-godly stupid, and the one liners are just pure gold. My personal favorite? “Remembah Sully when I said I’d kill you last?… I lied.” This is silly 80’s action schlock at its absolute finest. I have no problems saying that it is impossible for this movie not to bring some enjoyment. If you haven’t seen it yet, invite your friends over, grab some beer and pop corn and have a good time.
8. The Tingler
William Castle’s career really makes me hate modern movie marketing. It’s all straight forward about being a movie and that you should see it for excess CGI (Clash of the Titans 2010) or these two big name, gorgeous actors are in a movie together for the first time (The Tourist). No, William Castle was awesome. And I’m so sad that his style of publicity for movies stopped before my time. Like Roger Corman, he would release mostly B movie schlock like “House on Haunted Hill” and things of that ilk. However, Castle made a huge spectacle of these movies, creating marketing gimmicks that just made the movie going public have to go see them. Things like insisting audiences sign liability wavers saying they wouldn’t sue the theaters or studio due to the harshly terrifying nature of the movie, when in reality it was mostly silly and had effects only slightly better than the average Ed Wood movie. But the best gimmick had to be what he came up with for “The Tingler”, a Vincent Price vehicle that is about, and this is seriously the plot, a parasite that lives in your spine and feeds on your fear, causing a “tingling” sensation and can only be defeated by screaming to release all the feelings of fear and stop the nourishment of the creature. That premise is so freaking silly and yet so genius in its ridiculousness that it is completely awesome. Price really works to sell it as something serious, and honestly if he can’t that no one can, but for me the crowning moment of the movie is a scene where one Tingler that they have removed from a dead body, gets loose in a theater and the film cuts out with Vincent Price’s voice demanding that the audience “SCREAM! SCREAM FOR YOUR LIFE!”. When released in theaters, Castle had certain theaters install seats that would vibrate when this part occurred in the movie, hopefully causing the occupant to be caught off guard and let out a shriek that would cause the whole theater to scream. That, that is just plain awesome. However, since this can’t exactly be replicated at home on video, the scene is just left in as is… and it’s hilarious. This movie is just a great time and cheesy as a plate of nachos, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
7. Godzilla: Final Wars.
Yeah, I love Godzilla. I almost don’t want to call this a guilty pleasure, I feel that most of the films in the long running Japanese franchise are actually pretty damn good. Buuut most of the time I bring up my love of these films, some one always points out how silly they are, or how formulaic they get, and of course, how it’s a guy in a suit and that’s just stupid. Well you know what? I. Do. Not. CARE! I love my cheesy Japanese monster movies and I love them best when they feature guys in costumes beating the crap out of each other! The whole point is that you sit back and just accept them for what they are, fun. And hell, in the Heisei series (aka the run of the films from “Godzilla 1985” to “Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah”) the effects hold up really well and I would even say look better than more than half of the putrid CGI abominations that get released today. Plus, when you suspend your disbelief, these movies are far far more entertaining than the total crap Michael Bay releases on a regular basis. Hell, the first one is seen as a full on classic by many respected film critics. So again, I love my giant radioactive lizard that routinely destroys Tokyo while fighting other giant monsters, and if there was one movie they made with the big guy that I just adored for the sheer fun of it, it would have to be “Godzilla: Final Wars”, to date the last film in the Godzilla franchise. This movie is just awesome. It has: Giant monster battles. Kung Fu fighting. Car chases. Space ship fights. Aliens pretending to be humans. Tons of city destruction. Dark humor. Silly humor, and of course… Godzilla taking on more monsters than I’ve ever seen in a single movie. Yes, it is silly. Yes, it is cheesy. And yes, I don’t care what you think of me. I say we need more movies with guys in monster costumes fighting each other.
6. Yor: Hunter From The Future
Ok, I’ll be honest. I had never even heard of this movie until about a year ago when I saw a video review of it. It looked silly and I figured it’d be worth a laugh. Oh man was I right. Trying to describe this movie is nearly impossible, ok that’s not quite true. It’s a basic Conan knock off with some poorly designed Dinosaurs, ridiculous make up, and by far some of the most over the top performances ever. But in some weird way, this movie just works. It’s fun. I especially love the last third of the movie where Yor and friends go to the mysterious island populated by robots and a cliché bad guy called the Overlord. This guy’s dialogue is pure gold and super fun to imitate. It’s also of note for being one of the first starring roles for B list action hero Reb Brown. I can’t explain why but there is something that makes this movie just bad enough that it’s cheesy and silly in a good way. From the moment the silly theme song starts, to the moment it sends us out with the end credits, this movie is just pure fun. I’m a little bothered this movie hasn’t had a DVD release in the states yet, but if you look really hard, you can find a VHS copy like I did. I own this movie and always love watching it when I’m in that mood for something epic in that special kind of way.
5. Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight
Here’s where things are going to get embarrassing. While I still defend my love of these movies, they are the ones that I know I probably shouldn’t like nearly as much as I do. This of course wasn’t the first time the Tales from the Crypt franchise went to the movies, (I may save those for a later day.) This was the first time that the modern TV show took it’s style to the big screen. How did they choose to do it? With a horror anthology? Ummm…. No, they went with an “Army Of Darkness” rip off. However I will confess that this movie always makes me laugh but feel guilty at the same time. Why’s that? Well, I like it for one big reason, it’s insanely immature, a criticism I’ve held against many other movies I’ve reviewed most notably “Gamer”. So yes, liking this makes me feel a little hypocritical, but in my defense, this is a movie that doesn’t really try and present itself as something other than aggressively juvenile and I love it for that. The problem I have with things like “Gamer” is well, it feels stupid to try and have a movie that is trying, I guess, to be taken seriously, and then turn around and show boobs for the sake of being able to. This movie, it feels like the excess is part of the fun. Hell, to be honest, I enjoyed the “Crank” movies for the same reason and they had the same creative team as “Gamer”. This movie is just fun. Peoples’ heads get punched through, there are gratuitous bare breasts, insanely over the top gore, corny puns and of course the Crypt keeper making bad jokes at the front and end of the movie. Not even touching the absolutely awesome turn Billy Zane takes as the lead demon. Really I just always have a great time with this movie and know that I shouldn’t, but all the same, it’s earned it’s rightful place on my DVD shelf.
4. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
I’ve said before that I like the first two Resident Evil movies, but I dislike the last two. I gave a little bit of a reason when I talked about “Afterlife” but I’ll elaborate a little further. I love the fact that these first two movies are insanely bad. No really, I never played the games or anything, I like these movies because they are stupid mindless fun and I have a great time making fun of them while watching them MST3K style. The problem I have with “Extinction” and “Afterlife” is that they are really, really boring. “Extinction” is a movie that seems to be trying to ape “Day of the Dead” and “The Road Warrior” at the same time, to a resoundingly uninteresting effect. And “afterlife” is a gimmicky piece of crap that tries to stretch at best 30 or so minutes of plot over an hour and half. The first two though, oh boy, these are some of the most interestingly bad things I’ve ever seen. I actually went to see this one twice opening weekend because I just had a great time laughing at it. It’s so stupid and wants to present itself as a serious adaptation of the video games from what I’ve seen, and I just can’t stop laughing at it. The performances are just terrible, but the action is interesting. The monsters are laughable, and made even more so by the fact people are trying to take it seriously in the movie. I honestly can’t really understand why people have such a problem with this one, aside from being a poor adaptation of the video game it’s based on. I don’t feel it’s all that bad if you just want a fun movie, but I’m quite the minority here so it makes number four purely because I seem to be one of the only people that likes it in any fashion.
3. Freddy versus Jason
Yeah, I don’t think I need to explain why I feel guilty about this one. But to be honest, I really don’t think this is that bad. In general movies that have matched up two completely different franchises have, well, sucked. You only need to look at “AVP” to know that. This one, I didn’t think was that bad. I watched it during a phase where I had seen all the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies and had just finished slogging through the “Friday the 13th” movies. So naturally I figured I may as well sit down for the team up and I fully expected to hate it. Before you ask, I’ll take Freddy over Jason. Sorry to those fans of Mr. Voorhees, but I honestly don’t like him or his movies all that much. So yeah, I was rooting for Freddy the whole time. Yeah, the movie has a cop out ending, which is unfortunate, but I rather like how creative they got with the plot to bring these two together, and the fight scenes with the two of them are just great. The movie seems to know that it’s not supposed to be a serious horror film and I respect it for that. It’s a fun ride with great jokes, awesome kill scenes and a hook to ensure you’ll watch it from beginning to end.
2. The Rock
*Sigh* Yes. Yes, I know. I know how this looks. I am truly sorry for doing this, but I promised I’d be honest here. *Gulp* There is in fact ONE and only ONE Michael Bay movie that I like, “The Rock” starring Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery. And that’s actually why I like the movie right there: Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery, trying to one up each other in a silly action movie. It’s just golden. Everything else about the movie sucks. The story is stock action fodder, the actions scene are, eh, I guess competent seeing as this was before Bay really liked his shaky camera stuff we’ve sooooooo loved from the “Transformers” movies. In fact, if you had two other actors in these roles, I would say this movie was totally worthless. But it’s saved by Connery playing the gruff aging bad ass and Nic Cage playing a quirky scientist. They have the funniest acting exchanges I’ve seen in a movie and when I try and look back at what’s memorable about this movie, it is things like Cage doing weird face ticks and holding a gun shakily, or Connery saying: “Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners get to go home and fuck the prom queen.” I just can’t help it. Dumb crap like that makes me laugh and I think that it saves an otherwise terrible movie just by giving it that massive amount of entertainment value, intentional are not. This movie is here at number 2 because it’s a movie I admit I can’t fully hate, from a director I despise on every level.
So you’re probably asking. What could possibly make you feel more guilty than admitting to liking Michael Bay? How could you possibly top that? What could possibly be worse?
Well, since you asked… Here it goes.
1. Battlefield Earth
Yes, I actually enjoy what has been voted the worst movie of the last decade. I know how this looks. Anyone that has seen this movie can tell you that it’s probably one of the most incompetently made movies ever. ALL the shots of the movie are at a stupid angle, the pacing is crap, the tone shifts back and forth to the point it’s almost none existent, the plot make absolutely no sense and of course, it has some of the worst acting ever. Now, most of the other movies I’ve admitted to finding enjoyable, or just liking watching every once in awhile. Hell, even though I do have some enjoyment for it, I don’t actually want to own a copy of “The Rock”. This one though, I do want to own. I love this movie. Yes, I said it. This is my favorite movie that does absolutely everything wrong and I think it’s probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. That’s why I like it. I don’t think it’s some over bashed secret gem or some subtle commentary on society or whatever. I think it’s the most unintentionally funny thing ever made. I hated it the first time I saw it, but on a second viewing I couldn’t stop laughing. Once you get over the shock of how terrible the actual film making behind it is, it is just a ton of fun. There are bad movies that really make you hate yourself for sitting through them, and then there are bad movies that just make you laugh. This is the one that makes me laugh the hardest. I know that there are going to be some people won’t be able to take me seriously after saying this, but I can’t lie, I really love this movie. It’s like all those sci fi movies that got made in the 50’s and 60’s. You know the ones, where some idiots that didn’t know what the hell they were doing took a camera up to Bronson Canyon to make a movie. It has some of the dumbest aliens you will ever see, the effects are lousy and you have such a great time making fun of it. I feel this is one of those rare films we’re sort of lucky to get like “The Room”. Like I said, it’s a movie that does absolutely everything wrong, and I think by its existence it’s a great example to NOT follow. I just can’t help it, from the moment it starts to the moment it ends, I am always on the floor laughing myself silly. And I am not going to apologize for finding something entertaining in this total train wreck of a movie.
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