Ok, The Oscars are finally out and only now am I actually putting up what I felt were the best from the movies of last year. I haven’t seen all the Oscar nominees yet, but I’ve seen several of them and I’m planning on seeing them all with in the next couple of weeks and I well give you all my two cents about them once I’ve seen all of them, I promise. Until then, here are my top 5 best movies of 2010.
5. Inception.
So yeah, I really liked Inception. I almost don’t want to say much about why I liked this movie though. I mean, it’s one of the best reviewed and highest grossing movies of the year and I have seen it several times. I would almost call it perfect, almost. But I only rank it at five because honestly, I feel that while it is a phenomenally clever movie, and it has some of the most amazing imagery in the cinema, it was still basically the best thinking man’s action movie. Granted, I said it was the best, and there are a lot of the movies that could make that claim, but thanks to the creativeness of it’s action scenes, the well thought script, and the solid chemistry in the cast shoot this movie all the way to the top of the pile and it’s place here at number 5.
4. Shutter Island.
Am I the only one that finds it kind of funny that Leonardo Di Caprio made two movies this year where he played men that were sort of mentally unhinged and had guilt complex involving his dead wife? Anyway, Shutter island, great little movies that I saw that made me fall in love with a single director all over again. To me, Scorsese has made just another movie that shows he doesn’t just have to make high brow dramatic movies. In fact I would say while I always find his movies enjoyable this was highly enjoyable in a different way than normal. I always liked his remake of Cape Fear because it was different from your average thriller, and this movie was no exception. It on the surface feels like just another murder mystery in an exotic location but then it gradually begins to feel more like a haunted house film, and then the movie becomes a tense psychological thriller. I have no complaints with this movie at all. It’s just a perfectly constructed thriller with a great creative team behind it and some of the most haunting images I’ve seen in a movie in a very long time.
3. Black Swan
This movie was just a trip. It was so damn weird, yet so brilliant in its weirdness. The photography is just brilliant, giving the movie a grim foreboding tone and the movie weaves its plot through that dark mood. Following a ballerina that fighting with her own grasp of reality, the movies has creepy imagery, great music and a shocking performance from Natalie Portman. I don’t know how to really describe this movie, I don’t want to spoil it, but all I can think back on it was all the moments in it. It’s such a great movie. I insist, insist I say, that you go see this movie, you will not regret it.
2. The Social Network
It’s a movie about the creation of Facebook, it is also awesome. This script was just dripping with sweet dialogue and wonderful character beats. The direction here is just perfect. I know I said I’d hold off on calling any of the Oscars winners, but I have to make an exception here, David Fincher, for best director. He makes some of the most mundane, dull, and lifeless things like, computer code writing and legal proceedings seem like some of the most exciting and down right compelling things ever. Not that Aaron Sorkin’s script didn’t do the same thing. The performances are all top notch and I actually wished this movie was longer than it was. I seriously could have made it through a whole other hour uif it was there. That’s how well done this movie is and I just love it.
1. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
I have seen this movie seven times. Seven times. This movie is just sooooo damn good. It’s creative, mixing genres, relationship issues, and some of the funniest performances into one pot then being brave enough to serve the results. I just love this movie. Micheal Cera actually gives one of the best performances I’ve seen him give. The fight scenes are all memorable and creative. On top of that, it feels like this movie was helmed by a brilliantly crazy person. I’ve been a fan of Edgar Wright since his big screen debut Shaun Of The Dead and I’ve yet to be disappointed by a movie of his. To me, this can just can’t make a bad movie. I’ve seen all three of his feature films and all of them have just been amazingly fun. To me, this was the best movie of the year and it was a real shame that this movie wasn’t more successful.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
The top 5 most entertaining movies of 2010
So we’re a few weeks into 2011, and while I had absolutely no problem looking back and remembering what 10 movies sucked the most, or were the most painful to sit through, I have had a fair bit more trouble looking back and remembering 10 films that I actually thought were good. It’s not that I have hugely high standards, but I do have standards, and in 2010 well, they were hardly ever met, let alone exceeded. However I did think of 5 movies that I thought were good, solid and amazingly impressive works, and I also have 5 that I just thought were fun or very enjoyable. So, for you my loyal readers, I’m going to be nice and give you two lists. One being my top 5 just fun/most enjoyable movies of 2010, and the other being the 5 I thought were the actual best of the year. So here we go, my top 10 of 2010, sorta.
The 5 most enjoyable movies of 2010
5. Machete
Machete is one of those rare movies that I saw, thought about reviewing, but then decided I shouldn’t. Mindless action films like this are kind of not all that fun to review because it requires me to bring up a lot of the negative parts and nit picks. For me, when the movie isn’t all that fun to watch like “Boondock Saints 2” or “From Paris With Love” or “The Expendables” (Yes, I’m one of those people that thinks “The Expendables” sucked. Just deal with it because deep down, you know I’m right.) I’m actually quite happy to do that. An action movie should be a fun ride with lots of cool things and if it fails in that regard I shouldn’t let it get away with anything because of fan service nods to other films from the actor’s resume or the fact that it has a bunch of really cool action stars in it. “Machete” however, was the only balls to the wall R rated summer action movie I went to that I had a great time with. Robert Rodriguez has been one of my favorites for guilty pleasure action movies and he didn’t let me down here. The action is over the top and awesome, the one liners are hilarious, and the movie’s story, well, actually feels like a story. It’s nice that my favorite trailer from “Grindhouse” actually got made into a movie, and it was awesome to see Danny Trejo headline after being a supporting staple for so long. Not wanting to give too much away and just say see this movie if you haven’t already, but all I will tell you is this: You will never look at Robert De Niro the same after you watch this.
4. Hot Tub Time Machine
This was one of the funniest movies I saw this year. I swear, no other movie had a better set up, funnier cast or better executed gags. The story is simple, a bunch of guys go to a winter lodge they had a great time at as youths and then get into a hot tub that, somehow transplants them into the bodies of themselves back in the 80’s. This movie is a love letter to those raunchy comedies from the 80’s like “Porky’s” and “Caddyshack”. IF you avoided seeing this movie because of the title, like I am ashamed to admit was the case, shame on you! This movie was so damn funny and so well thought out in its humor that it should have been up for the Golden Globe for best comedy. Hell, it got better reviews than actual nominee “Alice in Wonderland” and the performances where are top notch from everyone involved. Honestly if I had to compare it to another comedy to emphasize how good it was, it’d be “Back to the Future”. Yes, one of my all time favorite movies is the only base line for comparison that I think comes close. Granted, “Hot Tub Time Machine” is nowhere near as good as “Back to the Future”, but in all seriousness, this movie is my favorite straight comedy of 2010 and I laugh every time I see it.
3. RED
I’ll just say it, I’m putting this movie on the list purely because I am a Bruce Willis Fan Boy. But what I liked most about this movie wasn’t just that it was a Bruce Willis action fest. Rather I loved this movie because it was funny, it was exciting, it had a great ensemble cast, and it remembers that action movies aren’t supposed to be taken all that seriously most of the time. I had a very hard time deciding which I like better between this and “Machete” and I ultimately chose this over the latter will, because “Machete” kind of fell apart in the last act and got a little overly political. It didn’t ruin the movie, but it was a bit of a WTF moment while watching it. “RED” on the other hand was non stop funny action set piece after another. The whole cast getting to shine in parts they are clearly having the time of their lives with, as well as amazingly well done story elements, made “RED” a far more satisfying movie. It was funny, exciting and all in all the best action movie of 2010.
2. Splice
Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE morality based science fiction. Things like most of David Cronenberg’s work in the 80’s, in particular “Scanners” and “The Fly”. And I’ve been aching and aching AND ACHING for a movie that returned to that kind of form for a very long time. I finally got what I asked for in “Splice”. A fringe sci fi movie that is basically a modern re-vamp of the Frankenstein based around genetic engineering. In this version, two scientists are the rock stars of their filed and decide to try and add human DNA to their experiments to see the results, which takes the form of DREN, and then they are faced with a dilemma: Is DREN the same as a human being? This movie is just great. This and the next movie on this list would probably have been on a top 10 list if I could have thought of 3 other movies that I thought were actually good that I saw from 2010. Most especially, I want to bring attention to “Splice” because it is one of those versions of the Frankenstein idea that doesn’t actually miss the point of the story, being ethics. The movie’s focus on the two principles and their status as a couple is used to a jaw dropping amount of effectiveness from beginning to end and it never tries to hold back. It’s hands down the most under appreciated movie of the year and you owe it to yourself to see it for yourself if you haven’t already.
1. Toy Story 3
Best kids movie of the year, bar none! I haven’t seen the other favorite “How To Train Your Dragon” yet, but I have no doubt that it couldn't possibly top this amazing animated film. The “Toy Story” movies have always been favorites of mine since the first film came out when I was seven and now at 24 I still love it and the second film. So I was very pleased when the third film rounded out the franchise for an all around great conclusion and a great film in general. I’ve seen “Toy Story 3” a total of four times now and each time I watch I love it more and more. It’s fun and creative and at times it can also be very dark. It’s that rare family film that doesn’t hold itself back for the sake of being for children. It goes out of it’s way to have complex themes while at the same time executing them simply enough that young children won’t feel left out. “Toy Story 3” was yet another reason why I keep telling people that no matter what your opinion of computer generated animation, you should ALWAYS go to PIXAR movies. They are some of the rare movies that actually feel like they are the next big step in the evolution of film and movies like “Toy Story 3”, “Up” and “WALL-E” are more than proof enough. Seriously, watch this movie NOW!
The 5 most enjoyable movies of 2010
5. Machete
Machete is one of those rare movies that I saw, thought about reviewing, but then decided I shouldn’t. Mindless action films like this are kind of not all that fun to review because it requires me to bring up a lot of the negative parts and nit picks. For me, when the movie isn’t all that fun to watch like “Boondock Saints 2” or “From Paris With Love” or “The Expendables” (Yes, I’m one of those people that thinks “The Expendables” sucked. Just deal with it because deep down, you know I’m right.) I’m actually quite happy to do that. An action movie should be a fun ride with lots of cool things and if it fails in that regard I shouldn’t let it get away with anything because of fan service nods to other films from the actor’s resume or the fact that it has a bunch of really cool action stars in it. “Machete” however, was the only balls to the wall R rated summer action movie I went to that I had a great time with. Robert Rodriguez has been one of my favorites for guilty pleasure action movies and he didn’t let me down here. The action is over the top and awesome, the one liners are hilarious, and the movie’s story, well, actually feels like a story. It’s nice that my favorite trailer from “Grindhouse” actually got made into a movie, and it was awesome to see Danny Trejo headline after being a supporting staple for so long. Not wanting to give too much away and just say see this movie if you haven’t already, but all I will tell you is this: You will never look at Robert De Niro the same after you watch this.
4. Hot Tub Time Machine
This was one of the funniest movies I saw this year. I swear, no other movie had a better set up, funnier cast or better executed gags. The story is simple, a bunch of guys go to a winter lodge they had a great time at as youths and then get into a hot tub that, somehow transplants them into the bodies of themselves back in the 80’s. This movie is a love letter to those raunchy comedies from the 80’s like “Porky’s” and “Caddyshack”. IF you avoided seeing this movie because of the title, like I am ashamed to admit was the case, shame on you! This movie was so damn funny and so well thought out in its humor that it should have been up for the Golden Globe for best comedy. Hell, it got better reviews than actual nominee “Alice in Wonderland” and the performances where are top notch from everyone involved. Honestly if I had to compare it to another comedy to emphasize how good it was, it’d be “Back to the Future”. Yes, one of my all time favorite movies is the only base line for comparison that I think comes close. Granted, “Hot Tub Time Machine” is nowhere near as good as “Back to the Future”, but in all seriousness, this movie is my favorite straight comedy of 2010 and I laugh every time I see it.
3. RED
I’ll just say it, I’m putting this movie on the list purely because I am a Bruce Willis Fan Boy. But what I liked most about this movie wasn’t just that it was a Bruce Willis action fest. Rather I loved this movie because it was funny, it was exciting, it had a great ensemble cast, and it remembers that action movies aren’t supposed to be taken all that seriously most of the time. I had a very hard time deciding which I like better between this and “Machete” and I ultimately chose this over the latter will, because “Machete” kind of fell apart in the last act and got a little overly political. It didn’t ruin the movie, but it was a bit of a WTF moment while watching it. “RED” on the other hand was non stop funny action set piece after another. The whole cast getting to shine in parts they are clearly having the time of their lives with, as well as amazingly well done story elements, made “RED” a far more satisfying movie. It was funny, exciting and all in all the best action movie of 2010.
2. Splice
Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE morality based science fiction. Things like most of David Cronenberg’s work in the 80’s, in particular “Scanners” and “The Fly”. And I’ve been aching and aching AND ACHING for a movie that returned to that kind of form for a very long time. I finally got what I asked for in “Splice”. A fringe sci fi movie that is basically a modern re-vamp of the Frankenstein based around genetic engineering. In this version, two scientists are the rock stars of their filed and decide to try and add human DNA to their experiments to see the results, which takes the form of DREN, and then they are faced with a dilemma: Is DREN the same as a human being? This movie is just great. This and the next movie on this list would probably have been on a top 10 list if I could have thought of 3 other movies that I thought were actually good that I saw from 2010. Most especially, I want to bring attention to “Splice” because it is one of those versions of the Frankenstein idea that doesn’t actually miss the point of the story, being ethics. The movie’s focus on the two principles and their status as a couple is used to a jaw dropping amount of effectiveness from beginning to end and it never tries to hold back. It’s hands down the most under appreciated movie of the year and you owe it to yourself to see it for yourself if you haven’t already.
1. Toy Story 3
Best kids movie of the year, bar none! I haven’t seen the other favorite “How To Train Your Dragon” yet, but I have no doubt that it couldn't possibly top this amazing animated film. The “Toy Story” movies have always been favorites of mine since the first film came out when I was seven and now at 24 I still love it and the second film. So I was very pleased when the third film rounded out the franchise for an all around great conclusion and a great film in general. I’ve seen “Toy Story 3” a total of four times now and each time I watch I love it more and more. It’s fun and creative and at times it can also be very dark. It’s that rare family film that doesn’t hold itself back for the sake of being for children. It goes out of it’s way to have complex themes while at the same time executing them simply enough that young children won’t feel left out. “Toy Story 3” was yet another reason why I keep telling people that no matter what your opinion of computer generated animation, you should ALWAYS go to PIXAR movies. They are some of the rare movies that actually feel like they are the next big step in the evolution of film and movies like “Toy Story 3”, “Up” and “WALL-E” are more than proof enough. Seriously, watch this movie NOW!
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Worst of 2010
Happy New Year All!!!
I'm finally back and ready to get right back into reviewing movies. I'm going to attempt to be more regular with my material and I would like to start with the a couple looks back to the previous year. And just so it's out of the way, let's get the bad over with. So here we go, Cinema Lunatic's Top 10 Worst movies of 2010! Let's go!
10. Book of Eli. This may be a little confusing, seeing as back when I reviewed this movie last year I gave it a pretty positive review, and yeah, there is plenty good here. However, something that I think makes for a really good movie, is re-watchabilty. Book of Eli, well, it not only doesn’t have that, but when I rented it on DVD to watch again, I was actually really angry at it. Those who haven’t heard yet, the twist to the end of the movie is that, spoiler alert, Eli is blind and the bible he was carrying is written in brail. When I first saw it, this twist did bother me, but it didn’t piss me off until I went back and watched the movie again, because all the things that Eli does in this movie, make no sense if he’s blind. A lot of the fighting, shooting, even dialogue scenes make no sense anymore because, and this isn’t meant to sound mean or anything, but I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to believe that a blind person can pull them off. Seriously, this ending is so stupid that it ruins an otherwise pretty decent movie and I would say is the worst twist since “The Village”. That’s why Book of Eli gets number 10.
9. From Paris with Love. This really shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. I already wrote a full review of this movie and why I didn’t really care for it, but all the same, it’s number 9. My biggest problems with this movie were that the narrative was crap, the action was uninteresting, and the characters are unbelievably dull. The only thing that saved it from being higher up is that my favorite ‘not all that great’ actor, John Travolta, steals the show with a performance so over the top and flat out silly that you can’t help but laugh. Still, a funny performance isn’t enough to save an action movie this boring.
8. The Wolfman. I’d say that this is on here because it’s a remake of a classic, but that’d just be stubborn and narrow minded, hell I always at least try and go in with an open mind to these kinds of things. But all the same, while I’m not really prepared to dismiss the movie as flat out terrible, it is pretty mediocre. Most of the problem is that the film can’t seem to figure out what it really wants to be. At times it feels like an over the top monster movie, other times it feels like a psychological thriller, a romance and so on. This isn’t just limited to the movie though. Each actor honestly seems to be giving performances for totally out there movies, and all of a different genre. I can’t wrap my mind out of why this movie ended up the way it did. The effects range from ok to meh, with the only good thing being a make up for the wolfman designed by make effects god Rick Baker. But really, that’s the only positive I can give. All in all this movie just didn’t do much for me and while it had glimpses of good ideas, they never really got off the ground. Basically I’m picking this remake over “Clash of the Titans” because it was way more of a disappointment, not just because it’s another stupid remake, but because it could have been better, but just didn’t go anywhere.
7. Resident Evil Afterlife. I’m just going to say it. I didn’t see this movie in the 3D that it was advertised in. I don’t care for 3D as I’ve said before, I don’t think that the excuse of seeing a movie not in 3D when it is available makes it worse. I also must confess, I had a bit of a soft spot for the Resident Evil movies as a guilty pleasure, until the third one. The fact that these movies are trying to be a little more serious now, makes me like them less. I know, it sounds weird that I’m complaining about a series having movies that are technically getting better, but what I always liked was how bad these movies were. They were way more entertaining when they were stupid and fun, but not they’re just stupid. Really stupid. And the latest movie, well, not only is it stupid, it’s boring. This movie has an abysmal pace and so much slow motion that I’m positive if you put it all at regular speed the movie would only be 45 minutes. That’s all I have to say, stupid, boring and my number 7.
6. The Tourist. Yes, they made a movie with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp, two very talented, very attractive people. They picked Venice Italy for the central location, a very cool looking and interesting place with tons of potential. So, why is this movie one of the worst? It’s boring. The movie is basically a very weak rip off of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “North by Northwest” about an ordinary guy that’s pulled into a dangerous situation due to mistaken identity. It’s not a bad premise, but overall it’s so poorly executed that I can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s nominated for the Golden Globe for best comedy. It goes nowhere pretty fast and it’s never all that funny even though you can clearly tell that both Jolie and Depp are trying very hard in their roles. The problem is the movie never gives them anything interesting to do. They never take full advantage of the location save for one really underwhelming boat chase, most of the time it’s just Jolie and Depp, staring at each other then it’s Paul Bettany trying to find Jolie’s mystery boyfriend and always failing. That’s it; lather, rinse and repeat. The only time the movie gets at all good is when Timothy “I can steal the show no matter what” Dalton shows up and plays a character so dead pan hilarious that you just wish the whole movie was about him. On top of that, this movie has a twist at the end that I will just flat out say is stupider than “Book of Eli”. Yes, the end of this movie is stupider than finding out that Denzel Washington was blind the whole time. Think about that.
5. Saw 3D: The Final Chapter. I hate the Saw movies. I’ve never felt that they ever were all that good, even back when they started. The only time I had hope was when the second movie took the series and made it a really twisted version of Agatha Christie’s “Ten Little Indians” idea. But then it decided to go to a clichéd formula and just got worse with each movie, and this supposed “final” installment, is probably the worst of them all. Before anyone asks, yes. Yes I saw this stupid movie in the advertised 3D, and you know what? It was not worth the 5 extra bucks that I paid. I actually have seen ALL of the Saw movies, but only on DVD because I don’t see the point of going to these stupid things in theaters when I can rent them for half as much. I went to see this one in theaters because if I was going to see this, I might as well see it with the gimmicky 3D and get it over with. Here’s the thing though, the 3D hardly works! It was poorly planned out, never really felt noticeable and added nothing to the movie besides a bad head ache. Plus, the characters were stupid, the premise the dumbest of the franchise, and none of the traps nearly as inventive as any of the other films. So in other words, this movie doesn’t even have appeal for the fans that have kept it so damn popular for the last six years. Good grief what a waste of film…. Speaking of…
4. Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Do I even have to explain why this one’s on the list? Really, who hasn’t just condemned the whole franchise as a stupid joke? Alright, here it goes. Eclipse, like the previous two installments, is 1. Boring and repetitive. 2. Filled with bland, poorly written, underdeveloped, idiotic characters. 3. Some of the most offensive themes and morals I’ve seen in anything in recent history, and proves that 4. Bella Swan is one of the most unsympathetic, horribly despicable leading female characters ever created.No, I haven’t read the damn books, nor do I wish to. The plot is the same thing as the last movie, and once again, I spent the whole movie wishing that it was about any of the supporting cast more than it was the two leads. God, I’ve sat through the first two films and none of them have ever been good. Nothing happens in them! And this one, when something does actually happen, it’s just a huge anticlimax. The fact that I can safely call this movie the best one so far and still have it on my list of worst films of the year is really telling of how absolutely awful this franchise is, and what makes me angrier is that I know my complaints aren’t going to do anything to effect the popularity of it. Considering that these movies teach its intended female audience that stalking is supposed to be charming among many other horrible things, that really terrifies me.
3. Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Again, I wrote a review for this, and I don’t have much to add. This silly movie was pointless, confusing, and stupid. I called it Tim Burton’s equivalent to “Star Wars: Episode 1” and I still stand by that statement. So what if it’s more of a sequel? So what if it has concepts and characters from “Through the Looking Glass”? None of those things excuse this movie for being boring, sloppy, and unentertaining. While it’s not the absolute worst movie this year, it was the one I was the most disappointed by.
2. The Last Airbender. I only just saw this movie. I literally finished it right before I sat down and I just had to put it at number 2. M. Night Shymalan has lost any and all credibility that he had with me, and this is going to go down as his worst movie if he never makes another one. Nearly EVERY SINGLE line of dialogue in this movie is blatant exposition and because of it, the movie never gives the characters any development, personality or anything at all really. So once the action sequences get started you don’t really care and it’s just boring effects doing stuff that you ultimately won’t remember later because it’s about the equivalent of jingling keys in front of a toddler over and over to the point where they’ve lost all entertainment from them. Added to that, they spend so much time explaining but still you have no idea what the hell is going on. The performances are all really bland, and this movie finally gave us a more annoying child actor than Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker. Scary I know. Overall I just can’t see who this movie was made for. It can’t be for kids, it’s too boring and kids are in fact smarter than this! It’s not for adult for sure, because it’s just stupid and dull. Who the hell is it for? I haven’t the slightest clue, all I know is that it’s my number 2 and yeah, I’d go so far as to call it a big piece of number 2.
1. Nightmare On Elm Street (2010). Was there any doubt this would be the worst? I ranted so hard about this movie that I don’t feel like retreading old ground. But really, this is number one because it’s a pathetic attempt at filmmaking. It’s a shameless cash grab. It’s an abomination. The only thing close to being redeeming is that Jackie Earl Haley shows potential to be a good Freddy, but the movie gives him nothing to do that is remotely scary or interesting and it’s such a waste. I’m going to try and cut down on the swearing for the sake of professionalism this year, but before I do I just want to say this. Fuck this movie. Fuck the director. Fuck the writers, the producers and the studio. Fuck them all. This movie is a waste and I cannot speak enough for how much I want the time this movie took from my life back. Seriously, fuck this movie.
Stay tuned for the 10 best and a new review every week!
I'm finally back and ready to get right back into reviewing movies. I'm going to attempt to be more regular with my material and I would like to start with the a couple looks back to the previous year. And just so it's out of the way, let's get the bad over with. So here we go, Cinema Lunatic's Top 10 Worst movies of 2010! Let's go!
10. Book of Eli. This may be a little confusing, seeing as back when I reviewed this movie last year I gave it a pretty positive review, and yeah, there is plenty good here. However, something that I think makes for a really good movie, is re-watchabilty. Book of Eli, well, it not only doesn’t have that, but when I rented it on DVD to watch again, I was actually really angry at it. Those who haven’t heard yet, the twist to the end of the movie is that, spoiler alert, Eli is blind and the bible he was carrying is written in brail. When I first saw it, this twist did bother me, but it didn’t piss me off until I went back and watched the movie again, because all the things that Eli does in this movie, make no sense if he’s blind. A lot of the fighting, shooting, even dialogue scenes make no sense anymore because, and this isn’t meant to sound mean or anything, but I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to believe that a blind person can pull them off. Seriously, this ending is so stupid that it ruins an otherwise pretty decent movie and I would say is the worst twist since “The Village”. That’s why Book of Eli gets number 10.
9. From Paris with Love. This really shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. I already wrote a full review of this movie and why I didn’t really care for it, but all the same, it’s number 9. My biggest problems with this movie were that the narrative was crap, the action was uninteresting, and the characters are unbelievably dull. The only thing that saved it from being higher up is that my favorite ‘not all that great’ actor, John Travolta, steals the show with a performance so over the top and flat out silly that you can’t help but laugh. Still, a funny performance isn’t enough to save an action movie this boring.
8. The Wolfman. I’d say that this is on here because it’s a remake of a classic, but that’d just be stubborn and narrow minded, hell I always at least try and go in with an open mind to these kinds of things. But all the same, while I’m not really prepared to dismiss the movie as flat out terrible, it is pretty mediocre. Most of the problem is that the film can’t seem to figure out what it really wants to be. At times it feels like an over the top monster movie, other times it feels like a psychological thriller, a romance and so on. This isn’t just limited to the movie though. Each actor honestly seems to be giving performances for totally out there movies, and all of a different genre. I can’t wrap my mind out of why this movie ended up the way it did. The effects range from ok to meh, with the only good thing being a make up for the wolfman designed by make effects god Rick Baker. But really, that’s the only positive I can give. All in all this movie just didn’t do much for me and while it had glimpses of good ideas, they never really got off the ground. Basically I’m picking this remake over “Clash of the Titans” because it was way more of a disappointment, not just because it’s another stupid remake, but because it could have been better, but just didn’t go anywhere.
7. Resident Evil Afterlife. I’m just going to say it. I didn’t see this movie in the 3D that it was advertised in. I don’t care for 3D as I’ve said before, I don’t think that the excuse of seeing a movie not in 3D when it is available makes it worse. I also must confess, I had a bit of a soft spot for the Resident Evil movies as a guilty pleasure, until the third one. The fact that these movies are trying to be a little more serious now, makes me like them less. I know, it sounds weird that I’m complaining about a series having movies that are technically getting better, but what I always liked was how bad these movies were. They were way more entertaining when they were stupid and fun, but not they’re just stupid. Really stupid. And the latest movie, well, not only is it stupid, it’s boring. This movie has an abysmal pace and so much slow motion that I’m positive if you put it all at regular speed the movie would only be 45 minutes. That’s all I have to say, stupid, boring and my number 7.
6. The Tourist. Yes, they made a movie with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp, two very talented, very attractive people. They picked Venice Italy for the central location, a very cool looking and interesting place with tons of potential. So, why is this movie one of the worst? It’s boring. The movie is basically a very weak rip off of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “North by Northwest” about an ordinary guy that’s pulled into a dangerous situation due to mistaken identity. It’s not a bad premise, but overall it’s so poorly executed that I can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s nominated for the Golden Globe for best comedy. It goes nowhere pretty fast and it’s never all that funny even though you can clearly tell that both Jolie and Depp are trying very hard in their roles. The problem is the movie never gives them anything interesting to do. They never take full advantage of the location save for one really underwhelming boat chase, most of the time it’s just Jolie and Depp, staring at each other then it’s Paul Bettany trying to find Jolie’s mystery boyfriend and always failing. That’s it; lather, rinse and repeat. The only time the movie gets at all good is when Timothy “I can steal the show no matter what” Dalton shows up and plays a character so dead pan hilarious that you just wish the whole movie was about him. On top of that, this movie has a twist at the end that I will just flat out say is stupider than “Book of Eli”. Yes, the end of this movie is stupider than finding out that Denzel Washington was blind the whole time. Think about that.
5. Saw 3D: The Final Chapter. I hate the Saw movies. I’ve never felt that they ever were all that good, even back when they started. The only time I had hope was when the second movie took the series and made it a really twisted version of Agatha Christie’s “Ten Little Indians” idea. But then it decided to go to a clichéd formula and just got worse with each movie, and this supposed “final” installment, is probably the worst of them all. Before anyone asks, yes. Yes I saw this stupid movie in the advertised 3D, and you know what? It was not worth the 5 extra bucks that I paid. I actually have seen ALL of the Saw movies, but only on DVD because I don’t see the point of going to these stupid things in theaters when I can rent them for half as much. I went to see this one in theaters because if I was going to see this, I might as well see it with the gimmicky 3D and get it over with. Here’s the thing though, the 3D hardly works! It was poorly planned out, never really felt noticeable and added nothing to the movie besides a bad head ache. Plus, the characters were stupid, the premise the dumbest of the franchise, and none of the traps nearly as inventive as any of the other films. So in other words, this movie doesn’t even have appeal for the fans that have kept it so damn popular for the last six years. Good grief what a waste of film…. Speaking of…
4. Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Do I even have to explain why this one’s on the list? Really, who hasn’t just condemned the whole franchise as a stupid joke? Alright, here it goes. Eclipse, like the previous two installments, is 1. Boring and repetitive. 2. Filled with bland, poorly written, underdeveloped, idiotic characters. 3. Some of the most offensive themes and morals I’ve seen in anything in recent history, and proves that 4. Bella Swan is one of the most unsympathetic, horribly despicable leading female characters ever created.No, I haven’t read the damn books, nor do I wish to. The plot is the same thing as the last movie, and once again, I spent the whole movie wishing that it was about any of the supporting cast more than it was the two leads. God, I’ve sat through the first two films and none of them have ever been good. Nothing happens in them! And this one, when something does actually happen, it’s just a huge anticlimax. The fact that I can safely call this movie the best one so far and still have it on my list of worst films of the year is really telling of how absolutely awful this franchise is, and what makes me angrier is that I know my complaints aren’t going to do anything to effect the popularity of it. Considering that these movies teach its intended female audience that stalking is supposed to be charming among many other horrible things, that really terrifies me.
3. Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Again, I wrote a review for this, and I don’t have much to add. This silly movie was pointless, confusing, and stupid. I called it Tim Burton’s equivalent to “Star Wars: Episode 1” and I still stand by that statement. So what if it’s more of a sequel? So what if it has concepts and characters from “Through the Looking Glass”? None of those things excuse this movie for being boring, sloppy, and unentertaining. While it’s not the absolute worst movie this year, it was the one I was the most disappointed by.
2. The Last Airbender. I only just saw this movie. I literally finished it right before I sat down and I just had to put it at number 2. M. Night Shymalan has lost any and all credibility that he had with me, and this is going to go down as his worst movie if he never makes another one. Nearly EVERY SINGLE line of dialogue in this movie is blatant exposition and because of it, the movie never gives the characters any development, personality or anything at all really. So once the action sequences get started you don’t really care and it’s just boring effects doing stuff that you ultimately won’t remember later because it’s about the equivalent of jingling keys in front of a toddler over and over to the point where they’ve lost all entertainment from them. Added to that, they spend so much time explaining but still you have no idea what the hell is going on. The performances are all really bland, and this movie finally gave us a more annoying child actor than Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker. Scary I know. Overall I just can’t see who this movie was made for. It can’t be for kids, it’s too boring and kids are in fact smarter than this! It’s not for adult for sure, because it’s just stupid and dull. Who the hell is it for? I haven’t the slightest clue, all I know is that it’s my number 2 and yeah, I’d go so far as to call it a big piece of number 2.
1. Nightmare On Elm Street (2010). Was there any doubt this would be the worst? I ranted so hard about this movie that I don’t feel like retreading old ground. But really, this is number one because it’s a pathetic attempt at filmmaking. It’s a shameless cash grab. It’s an abomination. The only thing close to being redeeming is that Jackie Earl Haley shows potential to be a good Freddy, but the movie gives him nothing to do that is remotely scary or interesting and it’s such a waste. I’m going to try and cut down on the swearing for the sake of professionalism this year, but before I do I just want to say this. Fuck this movie. Fuck the director. Fuck the writers, the producers and the studio. Fuck them all. This movie is a waste and I cannot speak enough for how much I want the time this movie took from my life back. Seriously, fuck this movie.
Stay tuned for the 10 best and a new review every week!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Oh Dear God NO!
Get a bunch of sci fi geeks in a room and mention the original “Star Wars” trilogy, and you will most likely be presented with one of the biggest nerd-gasms that you’ve ever seen. Now, mention the special editions and the prequel trilogy, and get ready for some serious nerd rage. I don’t think a single series of films creates so much passion from both ends of the spectrum, ever. In fact, I’m one of the most passionate about this one.
To me, the original “Star Wars” trilogy is something that is very special. They are among the small group of films that I saw at a very young age that first got me very interested in movies to begin with. I have seen them so many times over the years and yet I still cannot get tired of them. In fact, and this something I’m a little bit embarrassed to mention, I’ve sat down and watch the whole trilogy more than once in a single sitting.
However, I have some bones to pick with George Lucas. This guy just pisses me off, but not like Michael Bay (There is an almost endless list there, but that’s another story). No good old George pisses me off for just one reason: HE WON’T LEAVE STAR WARS ALONE! Why?! Do you really want to know? The guy wants money, that’s it. Lucas is a business man, and he was very smart when he made the first movies. Thanks to contracts and such, Lucas made off with a butt load of cash as well as the rights to the entire franchise. Granted with that money he did do things like help preserve classic films, helped create some of the recent advances in video and sound editing technology, and of course, through the creation of Lucas film, produced some other movies like “Indiana Jones”. Then, things started to drop off for George, (“Howard the Duck” anyone?) so basically, since he has the rights he can just reissue them in someway to make a quick buck since they are some of the most popular movies of all time and all. And he’s absolutely right, people will buy them again and again. (Talking from experience here.)
Then in the mid 90’s, something weird happened. First, the films were re-released in theaters, which was exciting for me because I had only been able to see them on video. It was awesome to get a chance to see these movies on the big screen, but these weren’t the same movies. They were the “Special” editions, and yeah, I could make the obvious joke here, but I won’t. Basically, Lucas was apparently always frustrated about certain things in the movies or had things he wanted to do but couldn’t due to effects limitations at the time. So he went back and added new scenes, effects and all that. And ooooooooh the back lash. First of all, the films are still relatively CGI free, most of the big effects scenes stay the same, which means the new CGI effects stand out. A lot. Like a sore thumb that keeps getting bigger because someone is constantly smashing it with a hammer. I mean they just stop the movies in their tracks. I could see why he wanted to do this, but good god, I never thought I’d see something so poorly done, AND IT WAS FUCKING STAR WARS!!! And just to show I’m not just being petty, I actually enjoyed it when Spielberg did the exact same thing to “E.T.” later. The changes he made worked in the movie’s favor and were done in far FAR better taste. I’ll admit that while the special editions don’t piss me off as much of the wastes of time that are the prequels (I’ll save that fun for another day.) they still bug me because it seems that they are the ones that Lucas has decided are his versions, so when finally released on DVD (Oh yeah, Mr. Lucas is also a freaking genius at building the anticipation on these things because the DVD release took FOREVER.) all us fans were royally pissed that there was no option to see the movies unaltered.
I must again ask why? There are tons of movies that were released different from what the filmmakers envisioned, but there is a director’s cut with it on the DVD. In fact, allow me to list some of these just from my own collection, off the top of my head.
- The “Alien” films
- The Abyss
- Apocalypse Now
- Blade Runner (seriously, every one of the five different versions is available for the fans to watch on this one)
- Dawn of the Dead
- E.T. (Why, yes George, Steven IS less of a dick than you.)
- Gladiator
- Terminator 2
In less than a minute, I just listed 11 movies. All of which have both versions of the movie available to the viewer, all in full quality. That’s a good thing. Even if the extended version wasn’t the “director’s cut” like the alternate version of Ridley Scott’s “Alien”, it’s still an option and it’s down to the viewer’s preference. This kind of set up makes everyone happy! And yes, I know that there has been a DVD release that DOES feature the original versions now, but they were released much later, and they are not remastered like the special editions were, which there is no excuse for because the films had to be remastered just to do the special editions. (Implying something there George?) So basically, you might as well dust off the VCR and track the films down on tape, which is what I did.
And finally I make it to the point. It has been announced that starting next year, all the “Star Wars” will be rereleased in theaters, IN 3D! No! Just no! If you want to rerelease these films again, don’t bother with the prequels and give us the unaltered versions of the originals, hell I’ll go see the special editions again, but for the love of god, don’t fuck with these movies anymore.
This is a really, really, really stupid idea. First of all, the prequels aren’t that old, Episode 1 only recently turned 10, and then other two are still fresh in the minds of people that went to see them. Also, this time you have no excuse George, you had final cut, free reign, AND the bleeding edge of special effect possibility at your finger tips, why are you changing them now? Oh, are you jealous that James Cameron broke the box office records with “Avatar”? Mad that the man actually was the only person that could top the box office of his last movie “Titanic”? Well, I’m sorry George, but this isn’t the way. You may have been able to hide what you were doing before, but here, there is no hiding it. You want more fucking money. I again must beg for the unaltered versions. Those are what people fell in love with. That is how you got so far. Can you even imagine how much all the fans you’ve pissed off would love to go and see those movies in theaters? Most of them never got to see the unaltered versions in theaters, the logic sounds pretty solid to me. And as a brief aside; to hell with 3D anyway. It’s a stupid gimmick that mostly gets used to cover up when a movie doesn’t have much going for it to begin with. And it’s also Hollywood getting desperate like when TV came out big in the 50’s, and they did the exact same thing! The only reason I let “Avatar” get away with it is because I saw it in 2D and to be honest, I still enjoyed it as a movie. It was entertaining. And that’s more than I can for the “Star Wars” prequels. Think about it people, do you really want Jar Jar Binks coming off the screen? I mean really?
To me, the original “Star Wars” trilogy is something that is very special. They are among the small group of films that I saw at a very young age that first got me very interested in movies to begin with. I have seen them so many times over the years and yet I still cannot get tired of them. In fact, and this something I’m a little bit embarrassed to mention, I’ve sat down and watch the whole trilogy more than once in a single sitting.
However, I have some bones to pick with George Lucas. This guy just pisses me off, but not like Michael Bay (There is an almost endless list there, but that’s another story). No good old George pisses me off for just one reason: HE WON’T LEAVE STAR WARS ALONE! Why?! Do you really want to know? The guy wants money, that’s it. Lucas is a business man, and he was very smart when he made the first movies. Thanks to contracts and such, Lucas made off with a butt load of cash as well as the rights to the entire franchise. Granted with that money he did do things like help preserve classic films, helped create some of the recent advances in video and sound editing technology, and of course, through the creation of Lucas film, produced some other movies like “Indiana Jones”. Then, things started to drop off for George, (“Howard the Duck” anyone?) so basically, since he has the rights he can just reissue them in someway to make a quick buck since they are some of the most popular movies of all time and all. And he’s absolutely right, people will buy them again and again. (Talking from experience here.)
Then in the mid 90’s, something weird happened. First, the films were re-released in theaters, which was exciting for me because I had only been able to see them on video. It was awesome to get a chance to see these movies on the big screen, but these weren’t the same movies. They were the “Special” editions, and yeah, I could make the obvious joke here, but I won’t. Basically, Lucas was apparently always frustrated about certain things in the movies or had things he wanted to do but couldn’t due to effects limitations at the time. So he went back and added new scenes, effects and all that. And ooooooooh the back lash. First of all, the films are still relatively CGI free, most of the big effects scenes stay the same, which means the new CGI effects stand out. A lot. Like a sore thumb that keeps getting bigger because someone is constantly smashing it with a hammer. I mean they just stop the movies in their tracks. I could see why he wanted to do this, but good god, I never thought I’d see something so poorly done, AND IT WAS FUCKING STAR WARS!!! And just to show I’m not just being petty, I actually enjoyed it when Spielberg did the exact same thing to “E.T.” later. The changes he made worked in the movie’s favor and were done in far FAR better taste. I’ll admit that while the special editions don’t piss me off as much of the wastes of time that are the prequels (I’ll save that fun for another day.) they still bug me because it seems that they are the ones that Lucas has decided are his versions, so when finally released on DVD (Oh yeah, Mr. Lucas is also a freaking genius at building the anticipation on these things because the DVD release took FOREVER.) all us fans were royally pissed that there was no option to see the movies unaltered.
I must again ask why? There are tons of movies that were released different from what the filmmakers envisioned, but there is a director’s cut with it on the DVD. In fact, allow me to list some of these just from my own collection, off the top of my head.
- The “Alien” films
- The Abyss
- Apocalypse Now
- Blade Runner (seriously, every one of the five different versions is available for the fans to watch on this one)
- Dawn of the Dead
- E.T. (Why, yes George, Steven IS less of a dick than you.)
- Gladiator
- Terminator 2
In less than a minute, I just listed 11 movies. All of which have both versions of the movie available to the viewer, all in full quality. That’s a good thing. Even if the extended version wasn’t the “director’s cut” like the alternate version of Ridley Scott’s “Alien”, it’s still an option and it’s down to the viewer’s preference. This kind of set up makes everyone happy! And yes, I know that there has been a DVD release that DOES feature the original versions now, but they were released much later, and they are not remastered like the special editions were, which there is no excuse for because the films had to be remastered just to do the special editions. (Implying something there George?) So basically, you might as well dust off the VCR and track the films down on tape, which is what I did.
And finally I make it to the point. It has been announced that starting next year, all the “Star Wars” will be rereleased in theaters, IN 3D! No! Just no! If you want to rerelease these films again, don’t bother with the prequels and give us the unaltered versions of the originals, hell I’ll go see the special editions again, but for the love of god, don’t fuck with these movies anymore.
This is a really, really, really stupid idea. First of all, the prequels aren’t that old, Episode 1 only recently turned 10, and then other two are still fresh in the minds of people that went to see them. Also, this time you have no excuse George, you had final cut, free reign, AND the bleeding edge of special effect possibility at your finger tips, why are you changing them now? Oh, are you jealous that James Cameron broke the box office records with “Avatar”? Mad that the man actually was the only person that could top the box office of his last movie “Titanic”? Well, I’m sorry George, but this isn’t the way. You may have been able to hide what you were doing before, but here, there is no hiding it. You want more fucking money. I again must beg for the unaltered versions. Those are what people fell in love with. That is how you got so far. Can you even imagine how much all the fans you’ve pissed off would love to go and see those movies in theaters? Most of them never got to see the unaltered versions in theaters, the logic sounds pretty solid to me. And as a brief aside; to hell with 3D anyway. It’s a stupid gimmick that mostly gets used to cover up when a movie doesn’t have much going for it to begin with. And it’s also Hollywood getting desperate like when TV came out big in the 50’s, and they did the exact same thing! The only reason I let “Avatar” get away with it is because I saw it in 2D and to be honest, I still enjoyed it as a movie. It was entertaining. And that’s more than I can for the “Star Wars” prequels. Think about it people, do you really want Jar Jar Binks coming off the screen? I mean really?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Masochism Month Part 2: Romantic Comedies
Hello and welcome to the second part of my month long experiment of self mutilation, where I’m finding I have to keep sharp objects even farther away from my reach. This week I’m going to look at yet another part of that wholly abysmal genre, chick flicks. Though I’m cutting myself a break, sort of, with comedies. I love comedy in all its shapes and forms, so then this shouldn’t bug me that much. Right? ... Right?
Well, for the most part, yeah, it really doesn’t. Last week when I talked about “Dear John” I had a bit of a realization why I don’t really care for mushy chick flicks. A movie that has a love story as the ONLY real drama in it is very rarely all that interesting. Most of the time I just feel they are like filmed versions of being there while some other people are being all couple-y in front you. It’s just incredibly awkward and a bit annoying. This isn’t to say love stories just suck because they are love stories, but more they really don’t seem to like to work on their own very much. This is why I have a little bit of a soft spot for Romantic Comedies or RomComs as they are sometimes known. Most of the time in these movies, the love story kind of takes a back seat to the rest of what’s going on and evolves a little more interestingly, i.e. not boring and vague. Don’t get me wrong, watch too many all at once and I become extremely cynical again, this going back to the fact that they are very formulaic like the straight up love story. But if there is ever a way to get me to watch a chick flick, throwing in jokes is a good start.
That’s not to say they can’t still be eye gouging-ly awful. Speaking of which, let’s talk about “The Ugly Truth”. This movie is just stupid. I mean, comedies don’t ALWAYS have to be clever, stupid is fine, but that means it should still be funny, at least a little. “The Ugly Truth” is about the producer of a morning news program, Katherine Heigl of “Knocked up”/”Grey’s Anatomy” fame, who is you’re typical uptight/clumsy/OCD/spinsterish female character that just can’t find the right man for some reason. Oh wait, she has a list of things she needs a man to do/have, and she refuses to be with any guy that doesn't fit this list exactly to the letter for it is perfect and infallible! (…huh?) One day, she’s told that she has to put a new guy, Gerard “that oaf from ‘Gamer’” Butler, on the show. Butler is one of the most offensively sexist guys ever and Heigl doesn’t like him. (I’m somehow not shocked.) Of course you can see where this is going, through working together the two start to fall for one another and change that locked form of life they both have and it’s all so standard.
Ok, the performances here are by far MUCH better than last week. Everyone actually doesn’t seem like a High School drama club reject here, hell, Gerard Butler is audible without screaming in this movie! Heigl more or less plays the exact same character that she played in “Knocked Up” though, while there’s nothing wrong with that, it does seem to kind of give off that one note performance thing that most actors try to avoid. Most of the supporting cast is there to move the plot along, but the actors all take the parts and run with them, and I’d like to spot light the husband and wife anchor team, they have some nice comedic chemistry, even if what was scripted for them isn't all that funny. In fact, no one really is. Why is that? The script of course!
I must say it again. This movie just isn’t funny, at all. What’s the biggest problem? Butler’s character is an asshole. Not the charming Han Solo type, I mean to say the way he acts and talks is something that would probably get his nuts chopped off by the first woman he tried to talk to. Many other reviewers have called him sexist and misogynistic, and they are right, half the time. The other half, he’s supposed to be some tender, soft kind of person that’s been fucked over in the past and is embittered by it… And that really creates a problem, if he's that much of a fucking jerk, he basically has to end up secretly fighting crime and curing cancer in his down time before I'll actually consider him as an ok guy. How does finding out women have fucked him over and that he helps his sister take care of her son allow him to get away with calling women dogs, saying they can’t get men because they’re fat, or saying the way to a man’s heart is a blow job? In my book, it doesn’t. I’m sorry but the large amount of offensive shit that comes out of this prick’s mouth is just way too much to ever be likable. What’s the odd thing about this? He’s supposed to be the one that is sympathized with. That just boggles my mind, but then again, Heigel’s character is border lined psychotic if you ask me. She does back ground checks a guy she’s going on a date with… I mean, I can understand wanting to see if a guy’s a convicted rapist or something, but don’t think telling him you did it while you're in the middle of the first date is a smart move. And really, that list for that perfect guy of her’s, it’s just one of those ridiculous things that exists to give her her single character trait. Seriously, it’s all she gets, being uptight and crazy obsessive, it’s weird.
That and the set ups are usually one of two things: Stupid, like the whole back ground check thing, and right out of the gutter, what the movie defaults too. Example: Heigl saying ‘cock’ a bunch of times simply because “men don’t own the word.”
WARNING! CONTROVERSIAL COMEDY GEEK OUT APPROACHING!
Straight up sex jokes, aren’t funny. No, they aren’t, shut up. If they have some kind of silly context that isn't just pointing and saying “boobies!” then, yes, hilarious. But these days, it’s all about having tits on screen while people are acting silly or people just fucking each other while saying silly shit. That is stupid, AKA low brow to the point that the primordial ooze wouldn’t even laugh. In fairness though, this movie does actually have an example of a GOOD set up, Heigl’s character accidentally wearing vibrating panties to a business dinner and losing the remote in the restaurant. The idea there, I admit is pretty funny to think about. The execution is kind of meh, but it’s at least one decent effort. However, what happens when it tries things like just saying dirty words, naming parts of the human body, or miming sex acts? They either fail from the get go or get really old faster than that guy from the end of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”.
All in all, I’d like to make some pun about this movie being an ugly blight on the face of humanity, buuuuuut I can’t really say that here. Don’t get me wrong, this movie is dumb, but it’s at least a decently acted kind of dumb and it has one or two slight chuckles in it. It’s still got Gerard Butler being an unlikable douche the whole fucking movie, and it’s a formulaic movie that doesn’t do anything new. It’s extremely forgettable and I don’t recommend it, there are far better RomComs out there. But I’ve certainly seen worse chick flick comedies, like “Bride Wars”.
SURPRISE! BONUS MINI-REVIEW!
I’m only going to talk briefly on this one because thinking back on this movie honestly hurts, a lot, but I figured I had justification for putting it at the end here for 2 reasons. One, it’s another comedy considered to be a chick flick and two, it’s one of the most god awful things I’ve ever sat through and I feel that time should at least amount to something. I’m just floored by this movie, I mean, who was the audience supposed to be? This little romp about two best friends that suddenly decide to hate each other’s guts because an administrative error has caused their weddings to both occur on the same day, is the most retarded movie I have ever seen. Yes, I know that term is not PC or anything but god! Nothing in this movie funny, charming, redeemable, or any other words that can normally be associated with good. It’s just two women acting like utter children and I guess we’re supposed to be thinking it’s funny, which it isn’t, at all. In fact, it really feels like this movie is down right cold hearted. The two main characters are more obsessed with the wedding on the same day thing than they are about the guys they are actually marrying, and I find that kind of counter productive. I know the common joke is that weddings are for the bride and all that, but really? You’re just going to have a total mental breakdown and make it your life’s obsession to spoil you’re BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING just because it’s on the same day as yours? What the fuck sense does that make? I’m pretty sure that would drive BOTH grooms away faster than anything. Not to mention that the movie then turns into a tattered patch work of unfunny, completely ridiculous “comedy” set pieces. Actually, at a few points there are some suggestions for compromises to make things work, but really, these two are far too childish.
Since they are really the only characters in this movie, I’m only talking about Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway… But, I don’t know what to say here. I’m shocked that two actresses that have been nominated for Oscars can give such fucking bad performances. I mean, even if you’re just yukin’ it up or doing it for a pay check you have some effort. Here, I don’t know what the fuck happened. These women are just annoying and they have no real other character traits, at least none that are actually shown. All you ever see is that they’re both selfish and at one point they were both friends. And I’m really not lying when I say that all the other characters have absolutely no baring on the plot at all and are often just dropped or are so far in the back ground they may as well not be there.
The attempts at humor here are just… No, I can’t even call them attempts. The… scenes that I guess are supposed to be funny (?) are all just dropping designer names in here and there while Hathaway and Hudson scream at each other, for about 90 minutes. That’s all there is, just the two of them trying to fuck with each other over probably the most petty, selfish thing ever. Does all this really amount to anything? No. Are there any real laughs? NO. Is there even anything that makes this movie worth watching? NO! FUCKING NO! NOTHING! It’s dumb, redundant, and I can’t believe that not even ONE of the insane number of people that it takes to make a studio film spoke up to point out how fucking stupid this whole thing was. Jesus! I’m mainly keeping this short because this was one of the worst reviewed movies of last year (and I would say it’s one of the worst of all time) so I'm not really saying anything new here. People know it's bad, but I sure as hell didn't think it could possibly be THIS bad.
Well, for the most part, yeah, it really doesn’t. Last week when I talked about “Dear John” I had a bit of a realization why I don’t really care for mushy chick flicks. A movie that has a love story as the ONLY real drama in it is very rarely all that interesting. Most of the time I just feel they are like filmed versions of being there while some other people are being all couple-y in front you. It’s just incredibly awkward and a bit annoying. This isn’t to say love stories just suck because they are love stories, but more they really don’t seem to like to work on their own very much. This is why I have a little bit of a soft spot for Romantic Comedies or RomComs as they are sometimes known. Most of the time in these movies, the love story kind of takes a back seat to the rest of what’s going on and evolves a little more interestingly, i.e. not boring and vague. Don’t get me wrong, watch too many all at once and I become extremely cynical again, this going back to the fact that they are very formulaic like the straight up love story. But if there is ever a way to get me to watch a chick flick, throwing in jokes is a good start.
That’s not to say they can’t still be eye gouging-ly awful. Speaking of which, let’s talk about “The Ugly Truth”. This movie is just stupid. I mean, comedies don’t ALWAYS have to be clever, stupid is fine, but that means it should still be funny, at least a little. “The Ugly Truth” is about the producer of a morning news program, Katherine Heigl of “Knocked up”/”Grey’s Anatomy” fame, who is you’re typical uptight/clumsy/OCD/spinsterish female character that just can’t find the right man for some reason. Oh wait, she has a list of things she needs a man to do/have, and she refuses to be with any guy that doesn't fit this list exactly to the letter for it is perfect and infallible! (…huh?) One day, she’s told that she has to put a new guy, Gerard “that oaf from ‘Gamer’” Butler, on the show. Butler is one of the most offensively sexist guys ever and Heigl doesn’t like him. (I’m somehow not shocked.) Of course you can see where this is going, through working together the two start to fall for one another and change that locked form of life they both have and it’s all so standard.
Ok, the performances here are by far MUCH better than last week. Everyone actually doesn’t seem like a High School drama club reject here, hell, Gerard Butler is audible without screaming in this movie! Heigl more or less plays the exact same character that she played in “Knocked Up” though, while there’s nothing wrong with that, it does seem to kind of give off that one note performance thing that most actors try to avoid. Most of the supporting cast is there to move the plot along, but the actors all take the parts and run with them, and I’d like to spot light the husband and wife anchor team, they have some nice comedic chemistry, even if what was scripted for them isn't all that funny. In fact, no one really is. Why is that? The script of course!
I must say it again. This movie just isn’t funny, at all. What’s the biggest problem? Butler’s character is an asshole. Not the charming Han Solo type, I mean to say the way he acts and talks is something that would probably get his nuts chopped off by the first woman he tried to talk to. Many other reviewers have called him sexist and misogynistic, and they are right, half the time. The other half, he’s supposed to be some tender, soft kind of person that’s been fucked over in the past and is embittered by it… And that really creates a problem, if he's that much of a fucking jerk, he basically has to end up secretly fighting crime and curing cancer in his down time before I'll actually consider him as an ok guy. How does finding out women have fucked him over and that he helps his sister take care of her son allow him to get away with calling women dogs, saying they can’t get men because they’re fat, or saying the way to a man’s heart is a blow job? In my book, it doesn’t. I’m sorry but the large amount of offensive shit that comes out of this prick’s mouth is just way too much to ever be likable. What’s the odd thing about this? He’s supposed to be the one that is sympathized with. That just boggles my mind, but then again, Heigel’s character is border lined psychotic if you ask me. She does back ground checks a guy she’s going on a date with… I mean, I can understand wanting to see if a guy’s a convicted rapist or something, but don’t think telling him you did it while you're in the middle of the first date is a smart move. And really, that list for that perfect guy of her’s, it’s just one of those ridiculous things that exists to give her her single character trait. Seriously, it’s all she gets, being uptight and crazy obsessive, it’s weird.
That and the set ups are usually one of two things: Stupid, like the whole back ground check thing, and right out of the gutter, what the movie defaults too. Example: Heigl saying ‘cock’ a bunch of times simply because “men don’t own the word.”
WARNING! CONTROVERSIAL COMEDY GEEK OUT APPROACHING!
Straight up sex jokes, aren’t funny. No, they aren’t, shut up. If they have some kind of silly context that isn't just pointing and saying “boobies!” then, yes, hilarious. But these days, it’s all about having tits on screen while people are acting silly or people just fucking each other while saying silly shit. That is stupid, AKA low brow to the point that the primordial ooze wouldn’t even laugh. In fairness though, this movie does actually have an example of a GOOD set up, Heigl’s character accidentally wearing vibrating panties to a business dinner and losing the remote in the restaurant. The idea there, I admit is pretty funny to think about. The execution is kind of meh, but it’s at least one decent effort. However, what happens when it tries things like just saying dirty words, naming parts of the human body, or miming sex acts? They either fail from the get go or get really old faster than that guy from the end of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”.
All in all, I’d like to make some pun about this movie being an ugly blight on the face of humanity, buuuuuut I can’t really say that here. Don’t get me wrong, this movie is dumb, but it’s at least a decently acted kind of dumb and it has one or two slight chuckles in it. It’s still got Gerard Butler being an unlikable douche the whole fucking movie, and it’s a formulaic movie that doesn’t do anything new. It’s extremely forgettable and I don’t recommend it, there are far better RomComs out there. But I’ve certainly seen worse chick flick comedies, like “Bride Wars”.
SURPRISE! BONUS MINI-REVIEW!
I’m only going to talk briefly on this one because thinking back on this movie honestly hurts, a lot, but I figured I had justification for putting it at the end here for 2 reasons. One, it’s another comedy considered to be a chick flick and two, it’s one of the most god awful things I’ve ever sat through and I feel that time should at least amount to something. I’m just floored by this movie, I mean, who was the audience supposed to be? This little romp about two best friends that suddenly decide to hate each other’s guts because an administrative error has caused their weddings to both occur on the same day, is the most retarded movie I have ever seen. Yes, I know that term is not PC or anything but god! Nothing in this movie funny, charming, redeemable, or any other words that can normally be associated with good. It’s just two women acting like utter children and I guess we’re supposed to be thinking it’s funny, which it isn’t, at all. In fact, it really feels like this movie is down right cold hearted. The two main characters are more obsessed with the wedding on the same day thing than they are about the guys they are actually marrying, and I find that kind of counter productive. I know the common joke is that weddings are for the bride and all that, but really? You’re just going to have a total mental breakdown and make it your life’s obsession to spoil you’re BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING just because it’s on the same day as yours? What the fuck sense does that make? I’m pretty sure that would drive BOTH grooms away faster than anything. Not to mention that the movie then turns into a tattered patch work of unfunny, completely ridiculous “comedy” set pieces. Actually, at a few points there are some suggestions for compromises to make things work, but really, these two are far too childish.
Since they are really the only characters in this movie, I’m only talking about Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway… But, I don’t know what to say here. I’m shocked that two actresses that have been nominated for Oscars can give such fucking bad performances. I mean, even if you’re just yukin’ it up or doing it for a pay check you have some effort. Here, I don’t know what the fuck happened. These women are just annoying and they have no real other character traits, at least none that are actually shown. All you ever see is that they’re both selfish and at one point they were both friends. And I’m really not lying when I say that all the other characters have absolutely no baring on the plot at all and are often just dropped or are so far in the back ground they may as well not be there.
The attempts at humor here are just… No, I can’t even call them attempts. The… scenes that I guess are supposed to be funny (?) are all just dropping designer names in here and there while Hathaway and Hudson scream at each other, for about 90 minutes. That’s all there is, just the two of them trying to fuck with each other over probably the most petty, selfish thing ever. Does all this really amount to anything? No. Are there any real laughs? NO. Is there even anything that makes this movie worth watching? NO! FUCKING NO! NOTHING! It’s dumb, redundant, and I can’t believe that not even ONE of the insane number of people that it takes to make a studio film spoke up to point out how fucking stupid this whole thing was. Jesus! I’m mainly keeping this short because this was one of the worst reviewed movies of last year (and I would say it’s one of the worst of all time) so I'm not really saying anything new here. People know it's bad, but I sure as hell didn't think it could possibly be THIS bad.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Masochism Month Part 1: Dear John
You know what movies put me off the most? Chick flicks. It may not be that much of a surprise, me having testicles and all, but I really can’t stand them. They almost always have very little going for them, and they nearly always make me want to hurl. I can’t think of a single genre of movies that could possibly be worse. And that’s why, for your enjoyment my lovely fans, I’m going to completely torture myself for an entire month with one review a week going on about these terrible, terrible movies. So let’s begin with the movie that is a shining example of exactly why I consider this genre stupid and annoying, “Dear John”.
The movie is about a soldier named John, no shit, and the woman he falls in love with, named Savannah. He is deployed for a tour of service that lasts one year, and she promises to wait for him. Right at the end of his commitment however, the September 11th attack happens and John volunteers to stay longer to serve his country. But this leads to the question of if Savannah can wait that long for him to return…
First of all, the performances in this movie are pathetic, but the worst is from John, played by Channing Tatum. If you’ve ever seen the trailer for this movie, it has the scene that proves his performance is terrible, and I find that hilarious. He breaks down “crying” at the conflict of staying with Savannah or going back to the army and really, really cannot pull it off at all, and it just goes downhill from there. Savannah, Amanda Seyfried is just as bad, in fact, nearly every actor in this movie feels like they are phoning it in. It’s like no one involved in the production seriously wanted to try. The father is sedate and the supporting cast is practically non-existent. This is really sad because, Channing Tatum aside, the rest of the cast has proven before that they can in fact pull off a performance. Hell, this movie has fucking Elliot from “E.T.” in it! True, here he looks like one of those skeezy pervs you see going into strip clubs, but it’s still Henry Thomas, and he’s still a much better actor than this movie would lead you to believe.
And I think a lot of this had to come from the script. The story is an ok concept, but the execution is terrible. This is really my second biggest problem with the movie. It lacks all substance! Seriously! I have seen fucking hallmark cards that had more substance than this piece of shit! About half the movie is taken up with montages! They should have just called this “Montage: The Movie” and had that montage song from “South Park” as the only thing on the sound track. I know it may be harsh to complain about a love story having montages, because they all do, but “Dear John” abuses the fuck out of them. We have: A montage of John and Savannah going out, then an exposition scene, then more montage frolicking, another exposition scene, then a montage of John and Savannah going separate ways, then more montage of that, then 9/11 happens, more exposition, then more montage, and that’s how this movie goes on for two hours! Make a montage drinking game out of this and you’ll die of alcohol poisoning! Forgetting the fact that this makes the movie insanely fucking boring, I’m calling bullshit on the chemistry between these two because of it. All we fucking see is frolicking! We never really get a chance to see why they fall in love, other than the script saying so, and really it doesn’t seem like Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried even like each other that much. I would go so far as to say that Natalie Portman and Hayden Christianson had better chemistry in the “Star Wars” prequels, how sad is that?
Plus in the second act, Savannah dumps John with a Dear John (couldn’t resist, that joke was way too easy.) and he decides he has nothing left to live for and that he just wants to be a military man for the rest of his life. You know, because he couldn’t possibly find someone else or take care of his father or anything like that. What slays me most about this is that Savannah leaves John to marry Henry Thomas’ character, who has an autistic son, was abandoned his wife, and is dying of cancer. Why did she do it if she was so “in love” with John? Because it was the right thing to do apparently. Don't know why, but that was her reason. Doesn't stop her cock teasing John when she sees him again of course… The amount of clichés in that is so dense that I’m surprised that the universe didn’t come to an end because of it!
My biggest problem with this movie? Using 9/11 as a plot device! This is just tasteless, and I mean really tasteless. Maybe if it hadn’t been mentioned only ONCE in the whole movie, I’d be more lenient. Since it isn’t I say directly to the filmmakers this. You should be ashamed. Using national tragedies in movies is fine and good as long as you don’t belittle the severe nature of them. I hate to say this, but Michael Bay did a better job in “Pearl Harbor”. God I never thought I’d bring that movie up as good example, but it’s true. There the event is never forgotten even if the rest of the movie was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. Here, there is exactly one scene that mentions it after rather tastelessly using the footage of the towers, and then nothing. Probably because an actual story would get in the way of all the montages. I may be overly harping on this, but since it’s John’s motivation to extend his service in the army, and is supposed to be important, I feel I’m well within my rights to give the filmmakers shit about just dropping it after one scene.
I usually skip talking about the music in my reviews, mostly because I feel that as long as it isn’t annoying or out of place, it’s doing it’s job and I have nothing much to say. Here though, I’ve never heard a more annoying soundtrack in my life. It’s all acoustic guitars and bad new age music. If it actually adds anything to the movie, it’s just to make it even more drool inducingly boring.
Overall, I have nothing positive to say about this movie. Nothing at all. At least “Alice in Wonderland” had cool visuals, and “Legion” had some unintentionally funny moments in it. Here, the acting sucks, the pacing is lazy, the love story stupid, and the soundtrack annoying. I just can’t believe in how many ways this movie utterly fails. It’s as if it set out to not have any entertainment value at all. Something many other chick flicks can actually claim to have. See you next week folks!
The movie is about a soldier named John, no shit, and the woman he falls in love with, named Savannah. He is deployed for a tour of service that lasts one year, and she promises to wait for him. Right at the end of his commitment however, the September 11th attack happens and John volunteers to stay longer to serve his country. But this leads to the question of if Savannah can wait that long for him to return…
First of all, the performances in this movie are pathetic, but the worst is from John, played by Channing Tatum. If you’ve ever seen the trailer for this movie, it has the scene that proves his performance is terrible, and I find that hilarious. He breaks down “crying” at the conflict of staying with Savannah or going back to the army and really, really cannot pull it off at all, and it just goes downhill from there. Savannah, Amanda Seyfried is just as bad, in fact, nearly every actor in this movie feels like they are phoning it in. It’s like no one involved in the production seriously wanted to try. The father is sedate and the supporting cast is practically non-existent. This is really sad because, Channing Tatum aside, the rest of the cast has proven before that they can in fact pull off a performance. Hell, this movie has fucking Elliot from “E.T.” in it! True, here he looks like one of those skeezy pervs you see going into strip clubs, but it’s still Henry Thomas, and he’s still a much better actor than this movie would lead you to believe.
And I think a lot of this had to come from the script. The story is an ok concept, but the execution is terrible. This is really my second biggest problem with the movie. It lacks all substance! Seriously! I have seen fucking hallmark cards that had more substance than this piece of shit! About half the movie is taken up with montages! They should have just called this “Montage: The Movie” and had that montage song from “South Park” as the only thing on the sound track. I know it may be harsh to complain about a love story having montages, because they all do, but “Dear John” abuses the fuck out of them. We have: A montage of John and Savannah going out, then an exposition scene, then more montage frolicking, another exposition scene, then a montage of John and Savannah going separate ways, then more montage of that, then 9/11 happens, more exposition, then more montage, and that’s how this movie goes on for two hours! Make a montage drinking game out of this and you’ll die of alcohol poisoning! Forgetting the fact that this makes the movie insanely fucking boring, I’m calling bullshit on the chemistry between these two because of it. All we fucking see is frolicking! We never really get a chance to see why they fall in love, other than the script saying so, and really it doesn’t seem like Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried even like each other that much. I would go so far as to say that Natalie Portman and Hayden Christianson had better chemistry in the “Star Wars” prequels, how sad is that?
Plus in the second act, Savannah dumps John with a Dear John (couldn’t resist, that joke was way too easy.) and he decides he has nothing left to live for and that he just wants to be a military man for the rest of his life. You know, because he couldn’t possibly find someone else or take care of his father or anything like that. What slays me most about this is that Savannah leaves John to marry Henry Thomas’ character, who has an autistic son, was abandoned his wife, and is dying of cancer. Why did she do it if she was so “in love” with John? Because it was the right thing to do apparently. Don't know why, but that was her reason. Doesn't stop her cock teasing John when she sees him again of course… The amount of clichés in that is so dense that I’m surprised that the universe didn’t come to an end because of it!
My biggest problem with this movie? Using 9/11 as a plot device! This is just tasteless, and I mean really tasteless. Maybe if it hadn’t been mentioned only ONCE in the whole movie, I’d be more lenient. Since it isn’t I say directly to the filmmakers this. You should be ashamed. Using national tragedies in movies is fine and good as long as you don’t belittle the severe nature of them. I hate to say this, but Michael Bay did a better job in “Pearl Harbor”. God I never thought I’d bring that movie up as good example, but it’s true. There the event is never forgotten even if the rest of the movie was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. Here, there is exactly one scene that mentions it after rather tastelessly using the footage of the towers, and then nothing. Probably because an actual story would get in the way of all the montages. I may be overly harping on this, but since it’s John’s motivation to extend his service in the army, and is supposed to be important, I feel I’m well within my rights to give the filmmakers shit about just dropping it after one scene.
I usually skip talking about the music in my reviews, mostly because I feel that as long as it isn’t annoying or out of place, it’s doing it’s job and I have nothing much to say. Here though, I’ve never heard a more annoying soundtrack in my life. It’s all acoustic guitars and bad new age music. If it actually adds anything to the movie, it’s just to make it even more drool inducingly boring.
Overall, I have nothing positive to say about this movie. Nothing at all. At least “Alice in Wonderland” had cool visuals, and “Legion” had some unintentionally funny moments in it. Here, the acting sucks, the pacing is lazy, the love story stupid, and the soundtrack annoying. I just can’t believe in how many ways this movie utterly fails. It’s as if it set out to not have any entertainment value at all. Something many other chick flicks can actually claim to have. See you next week folks!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland
I love Tim Burton. I really do, I can’t think of a single film maker that has always made me want to watch his movies, just by name alone. They always have an interesting style and are usually pretty entertaining. Yeah, he’s had a few exceptions like the “Planet of the Apes” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” remakes, but being fair, I don’t really hate those. In fact, I can’t even say that I’ve actually hated anything that he’s ever done.
Then I watched his take on “Alice in Wonderland”. I was so psyched for this movie, I usually try to avoid that but this was a case where I couldn’t help it. This is Tim Fucking Burton! This is a guy that makes movies that are, if nothing else, nicely surreal. And this was a book that had things like giant hookah smoking caterpillar, talking animals, and things that make you grow and shrink just by eating them. If anything, this was a match made in fucking heaven! And yet, it still sucked! I can’t believe I’m saying that, but this movie sucked!
How did this happen? I mean, this makes my brain hurt trying to figure it out. Did the producers not let Burton have creative freedom? Or worse, did they just let him go nuts? I used to think that if the director has total control on production, they can always turn in something great. Now, thanks to George Lucas showing us what a moron he is, I’ve opened my mind to other options, and I sadly have to think option two was the case here. It really just seems Burton kept saying: “You know what we need here? An action scene. And here, we totally need a dragon thing voiced by Christopher Lee that only has one line.” AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM! No one at any point, pointed out if something was the most idiotic thing they’ve ever heard in their life. This movie makes less sense than the book, doesn’t really go anywhere really, and just kind of stops at the end. Ummm… the phrase “what the fuck?” comes to mind here. I’ve actually pondered this movie for a few weeks and I still can’t even pick where to start explaining the badness here, but dammit I’m going to try.
First, I’ll get the small amount of praise I have out of the way here: Visually, this movie is amazing. Wonderland is twisted and dark with Burton’s trademark style and design. The final battle at the climax looks amazing, I’d almost say it was epic even. And the character designs, with one real exception, are actually interesting and really feel like some of the creatures are coming alive right out of the book. It was nice to see, and had a small glimmer of fascination for me.
Here however, my hatred begins. This plot makes no sense. No. Don’t even start by saying “the book didn’t make sense either”, that’s a weak argument. The book was exactly what the title said it was, a girl named ALICE, travels to WONDERLAND, and has ADVENTURES, that’s it. Couple that with the fact this book has been adapted several times into other movies and your argument will get less and less valid. The plot of the book is a girl falls down a hole, wanders through a magical world with fun creatures while keeping her sanity, and goes home. Not too hard. Now, here are some questions I came up with watching the Tim Burton movie:
“Why does this movie start off like ‘Pride and Prejudice’ as written by someone that has never read the book?”
“Ummm…. Why do all the characters call this place Underland?”
“Who’s the Darth Vader rip off being played by the dad from ‘Back to the Future’?”
“What is the point of all this? I mean, how is this entertaining?”
“Why am I getting a huge ‘Star Wars’ vibe here?”
“Is this movie ever going to try?”
“Seriously, who let Tim Burton watch ‘Star Wars’ too much in pre-production?”
“Why am I still watching this?”
I’m drawing blanks on the answers. But here’s how I’ll sum up the movie’s plot: Watch the original “Star Wars” trilogy, condense the whole story into about an hour and a half, remove all the good stuff, and then try to make it seem random and disjointed. There you go. It’s actually why I got so confused watching this movie. At times, it feels like, ok so she’s going on a little quest thing now, no wait, she’s still kind of just wandering, seeing weird looking stuff. Suddenly, a plot element will show up, introduce new stuff, and now we’re on that quest again. Yeah, this was kind of what happened in the book and in other adaptations, but the difference here is that this isn’t interesting. It took a fascinating romp through another world, the only motivation really being Alice’s curiosity, and turned it into a movie about rebels trying to fight an evil ruler that has an unstoppable weapon that can only be destroyed by the main character. I’m fine with trying to give the movie a more cohesive plot, but I mean really? Are you fucking serious? It’s pretty obvious the plot you’re futilely forcing in doesn’t belong. I almost got to the point where I wanted to try and put the “Star Wars” music on, just because it was getting that ridiculous.
Added to that, it doesn’t seem like any of the characters work in this story. I don’t care how much Tim Burton says in interviews that he wanted to make his own version. I don’t care if it looks pretty. I don’t fucking care if Ann Hathaway is some weird witch/queen/I don’t know what kind of thing! This isn’t going to cut it! Maybe, MAYBE if the movie was half an hour to forty-five minutes longer, and you actually had time to, I don’t know, set up and finish story elements in less than five minutes of total run time? If this movie had just decided that it wanted to either have a story, or be totally random I honestly wouldn’t care. I’d call it a mediocre rip off that looked nice, or something weird, but maybe a little fun and be done with it. But no, it’s a disjointed mess that tries to have both no story, and too much story. This is just sad, sloppy, lazy film making.
The characters were, well… I’m not sure what to say. No one save Alice, the Hatter, the Red and White Queens, and the Cheshire Cat has any real significant screen time to do much of anything. They’re just there. They aren’t bad or anything, actually most of the performances are pretty good, but they make no real mark. The two Queens, played by Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter, are just… I hesitate to use the word strange since this is supposed to be Wonder… Sorry, UNDERland, but I’m just bewildered about these two. They don’t really seem to do anything until the end of the movie, (SPOILER ALERT) where they then proceed to do even more nothing. The Red Queen doesn’t come on screen until about half an hour in, and most of her character traits are told to us in exposition before Bonham Carter even starts gnawing on the scenery, where she just chews and chews and really that’s it. No rhyme or reason for her other than the movie needed a villain. And I still can’t find any fucking reason why Anne Hathaway’s character is in this movie! Yeah, I guess she’s the leader that will take back the throne and rule justly, but if all you’re going to do is explain who she is, and she’s going to do pretty much nothing the whole movie, why is she here?
The one that mystified me the most though, was the Hatter. I don’t have as many questions as the two queens, in fact, I think he’s the character I have the fewest gripes about, but I do have one question that has lingered in my mind:
“Why does Johnny Depp look like Ronald MacDonald in the late stages of meth addiction?”
You know that one exception to character design I mentioned? Ta da! Here it is! Granted I saw the design and knew what he looked like going in, but I figured I could get over it as the movie went on. I was wrong. I just kept sitting there, wondering how any of the other actors couldn’t keep from laughing the whole time. Maybe if it was the crazy story from the book this would work, but if you’re going to have the Hatter say things that are supposed to be serious… Yeah, that design is not working.
Basically, this movie raises too many questions in all the wrong ways. Not the least of which was, why? What was the fucking point?! Granted the visuals were cool, and the editing was smooth, but that’s it. From a purely technical stand point, this movie is really interesting. But as far as story, I go back to my initial “what the fuck?” from earlier. I’m going to just call this the Tim Burton equivalent to “The Phantom Menace”, so much anticipation, so much disappointment.
Then I watched his take on “Alice in Wonderland”. I was so psyched for this movie, I usually try to avoid that but this was a case where I couldn’t help it. This is Tim Fucking Burton! This is a guy that makes movies that are, if nothing else, nicely surreal. And this was a book that had things like giant hookah smoking caterpillar, talking animals, and things that make you grow and shrink just by eating them. If anything, this was a match made in fucking heaven! And yet, it still sucked! I can’t believe I’m saying that, but this movie sucked!
How did this happen? I mean, this makes my brain hurt trying to figure it out. Did the producers not let Burton have creative freedom? Or worse, did they just let him go nuts? I used to think that if the director has total control on production, they can always turn in something great. Now, thanks to George Lucas showing us what a moron he is, I’ve opened my mind to other options, and I sadly have to think option two was the case here. It really just seems Burton kept saying: “You know what we need here? An action scene. And here, we totally need a dragon thing voiced by Christopher Lee that only has one line.” AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM! No one at any point, pointed out if something was the most idiotic thing they’ve ever heard in their life. This movie makes less sense than the book, doesn’t really go anywhere really, and just kind of stops at the end. Ummm… the phrase “what the fuck?” comes to mind here. I’ve actually pondered this movie for a few weeks and I still can’t even pick where to start explaining the badness here, but dammit I’m going to try.
First, I’ll get the small amount of praise I have out of the way here: Visually, this movie is amazing. Wonderland is twisted and dark with Burton’s trademark style and design. The final battle at the climax looks amazing, I’d almost say it was epic even. And the character designs, with one real exception, are actually interesting and really feel like some of the creatures are coming alive right out of the book. It was nice to see, and had a small glimmer of fascination for me.
Here however, my hatred begins. This plot makes no sense. No. Don’t even start by saying “the book didn’t make sense either”, that’s a weak argument. The book was exactly what the title said it was, a girl named ALICE, travels to WONDERLAND, and has ADVENTURES, that’s it. Couple that with the fact this book has been adapted several times into other movies and your argument will get less and less valid. The plot of the book is a girl falls down a hole, wanders through a magical world with fun creatures while keeping her sanity, and goes home. Not too hard. Now, here are some questions I came up with watching the Tim Burton movie:
“Why does this movie start off like ‘Pride and Prejudice’ as written by someone that has never read the book?”
“Ummm…. Why do all the characters call this place Underland?”
“Who’s the Darth Vader rip off being played by the dad from ‘Back to the Future’?”
“What is the point of all this? I mean, how is this entertaining?”
“Why am I getting a huge ‘Star Wars’ vibe here?”
“Is this movie ever going to try?”
“Seriously, who let Tim Burton watch ‘Star Wars’ too much in pre-production?”
“Why am I still watching this?”
I’m drawing blanks on the answers. But here’s how I’ll sum up the movie’s plot: Watch the original “Star Wars” trilogy, condense the whole story into about an hour and a half, remove all the good stuff, and then try to make it seem random and disjointed. There you go. It’s actually why I got so confused watching this movie. At times, it feels like, ok so she’s going on a little quest thing now, no wait, she’s still kind of just wandering, seeing weird looking stuff. Suddenly, a plot element will show up, introduce new stuff, and now we’re on that quest again. Yeah, this was kind of what happened in the book and in other adaptations, but the difference here is that this isn’t interesting. It took a fascinating romp through another world, the only motivation really being Alice’s curiosity, and turned it into a movie about rebels trying to fight an evil ruler that has an unstoppable weapon that can only be destroyed by the main character. I’m fine with trying to give the movie a more cohesive plot, but I mean really? Are you fucking serious? It’s pretty obvious the plot you’re futilely forcing in doesn’t belong. I almost got to the point where I wanted to try and put the “Star Wars” music on, just because it was getting that ridiculous.
Added to that, it doesn’t seem like any of the characters work in this story. I don’t care how much Tim Burton says in interviews that he wanted to make his own version. I don’t care if it looks pretty. I don’t fucking care if Ann Hathaway is some weird witch/queen/I don’t know what kind of thing! This isn’t going to cut it! Maybe, MAYBE if the movie was half an hour to forty-five minutes longer, and you actually had time to, I don’t know, set up and finish story elements in less than five minutes of total run time? If this movie had just decided that it wanted to either have a story, or be totally random I honestly wouldn’t care. I’d call it a mediocre rip off that looked nice, or something weird, but maybe a little fun and be done with it. But no, it’s a disjointed mess that tries to have both no story, and too much story. This is just sad, sloppy, lazy film making.
The characters were, well… I’m not sure what to say. No one save Alice, the Hatter, the Red and White Queens, and the Cheshire Cat has any real significant screen time to do much of anything. They’re just there. They aren’t bad or anything, actually most of the performances are pretty good, but they make no real mark. The two Queens, played by Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter, are just… I hesitate to use the word strange since this is supposed to be Wonder… Sorry, UNDERland, but I’m just bewildered about these two. They don’t really seem to do anything until the end of the movie, (SPOILER ALERT) where they then proceed to do even more nothing. The Red Queen doesn’t come on screen until about half an hour in, and most of her character traits are told to us in exposition before Bonham Carter even starts gnawing on the scenery, where she just chews and chews and really that’s it. No rhyme or reason for her other than the movie needed a villain. And I still can’t find any fucking reason why Anne Hathaway’s character is in this movie! Yeah, I guess she’s the leader that will take back the throne and rule justly, but if all you’re going to do is explain who she is, and she’s going to do pretty much nothing the whole movie, why is she here?
The one that mystified me the most though, was the Hatter. I don’t have as many questions as the two queens, in fact, I think he’s the character I have the fewest gripes about, but I do have one question that has lingered in my mind:
“Why does Johnny Depp look like Ronald MacDonald in the late stages of meth addiction?”
You know that one exception to character design I mentioned? Ta da! Here it is! Granted I saw the design and knew what he looked like going in, but I figured I could get over it as the movie went on. I was wrong. I just kept sitting there, wondering how any of the other actors couldn’t keep from laughing the whole time. Maybe if it was the crazy story from the book this would work, but if you’re going to have the Hatter say things that are supposed to be serious… Yeah, that design is not working.
Basically, this movie raises too many questions in all the wrong ways. Not the least of which was, why? What was the fucking point?! Granted the visuals were cool, and the editing was smooth, but that’s it. From a purely technical stand point, this movie is really interesting. But as far as story, I go back to my initial “what the fuck?” from earlier. I’m going to just call this the Tim Burton equivalent to “The Phantom Menace”, so much anticipation, so much disappointment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)